Aching news

In a last-minute settlement between the Finance Minister and the Home Minister, over what has come to be known as ‘India’s Chewingate’, both leaders have jointly issued a statement that seeks to put the matter to rest. “We are concerned that the media has been reporting news of a rift between the two ministries, and of a growing distance between the leaders of the cabinet. To allay such stories, we would like to announce that we have the highest regard for each other, seek each other’s guidance on important matters, and only yesterday shared a lollipop and a candy bar while we rode our tri-cycles around North Block.

We hope this should put to rest all rumors to the contrary,” they announced. However, when questioned about a certain play-friend of theirs called Diggy, both men were less cordial. “He is not our friend and we shall not call him out to play with us anymore,” they said firmly. “And, what’s more, we’ve hidden his specs in the sand pit!”

The police have intercepted a plot by the Al Qaeda to destabilise the country by poisoning mangoes and selling them in various cities. Inspector A Alphonso, the district commissioner of Aamritsar, has said that the two dreaded Al Qaeda leaders, Haphoos Sayed and Langda Pairi, have been taken in for questioning. The modus operandi was to flood the subcontinent with mangoes filled with a deadly chemical that would render consumers incapacitated. When congratulated about his timely intervention, Inspector Alphonso was quick to point out that he was only doing his duty. “After all, my job is to protect the Aam Admi,” he said.

Growing concerns about a drop in the Sensex have affected punters on Dalal Street. Trading has reached an all-time low as more bad news is expected when the CTBT’s investigations into the Oily Minister and the Secretary for Gas Production are placed before the JPC. In their anxiety over falling markets, brokers have been reported to be consuming alarming quantities of the street’s famed pao bhaji. “It is a misconception that all this is because of market manipulation between the brothers” said Diarrhea Mehta, president of the traders union. “However as a safety measure we have appealed to the siblings to stop being enemas and work to restore harmony and good digestion.”

Delhi is gearing up for its first Slut Walk, a protest by its females to draw attention to the shockingly-poor security measures that they are afforded on the roads. When asked how the administration is going to respond to the protestors, the police chief said: “We are taking the protest very seriously and have appointed well-known upholders of women’s rights like Manu Sharma and S P S Rathore to look into the matter. They will be conducting investigations at Thugs a bar located on the first floor of Hotel Broadway. After office hours.”

Finally, the mystery surrounding the 3,587 tolas of gold, 31 diamond necklaces, and 29,000 gold coins found at the S Baba Ashram has been explained. “Everyone knows that Baba materialized precious objects out of thin air,” said a member of the Trust. “We are keeping these as proof of his miraculous gifts to us.”

Malavika Sangghvi is a Mumbai-based writer