Phoney calls

Apparently, Attorney General of India Ghoolam E Vahanvati was not the only person to receive a phone call from someone who called herself Sonia Gandhi. The police immediately got on the case. This had got to stop. After all, when it takes just one Sonia to bring the country to this pass, imagine the calamitous future when a thousand Sonias are ordering people to do this or that. Here are transcripts of some of the phone conversations between worthies and a purported Sonia Gandhi that the police have been able to unearth till now.

At 7 Race Course Road
(Phone rings and it is picked up. The only sound is of heavy breathing.)

Sonia voice: Hello, hello, what is happening? Who is this I am speaking to?
(More heavy breathing heard)
Sonia voice: Hello, why aren't you even asking me who I am?
(Just the sound of breathing)
Sonia voice: (after five minutes of silent breathing) Thank you, Manmohanji, we had a nice conversation. (Call ends)

At CBI headquarters in New Delhi
Sonia voice: I am Sonia Gandhi.
A police type, slouched over his desk, springs ramrod straight when he hears this. After all, it is an occasion if Sonia Gandhi phones the agency directly, without going through elaborate ruses involving law ministers, PMO babus and agency directors.

Sonia voice: (Very angry) Who is in charge of the media there? Sack him.
Police type: (Spluttering) Madam, madam ... how... forgive me, but I am only a constable. How can I sack him?
Sonia voice: Disobeying me? Sack him, we will deal with the Supreme Court later.
Police type: Why, Madam, Madam?
Sonia voice: Fool, haven't you read the papers? Narendra Modi is going around saying Congress will field the CBI in the assembly elections.
Police type: Ha, ha, Madam. What a fool Modiji is, how can he become prime minister if he says such foolish thing?
Sonia voice: Fool, keep quiet. The plan was to field CBI men in the elections and appoint partymen to CBI posts. When we lose in 2014, we need our own people in the investigation teams when the enquiries begin. But now, someone has gone and leaked the plan to Modiji.

At the CM's Bungalow, Patna
Secretary type, handing phone to Nitish Kumar: (In awed tones) Sirji, Madam…
Nitish: Madam? Who madam?
Secretary type: Sirji, Delhi… Madam … Sonia Gandhiji.
Nitish: Really? (Takes phone) Hellooo, myself Nitish, Madam.
Sonia voice: Namaskar Nitishji. Let me get to the point quickly because I am using prepaid card and don't have balance. Nitishji, you will join UPA, no?
Nitish: Soniaji, you know how hard it is for the chief minister of a poor, yes poor, state to say yes to anything. Aukaat nahi, garib log hain hum. Now if I had some money, I'd feel big enough to decide, no, Madam?
Sonia voice: Not to worry Nitishji. You want special status for Bihar and you want money for the state. Theek hai. I have told our experts to come up with a new index of state poverty.
Nitish: Ah, yes, Soniaji. I saw in papers that Odisha is poorer than Bihar, according to Raghuram Rajanji's rankings.
Sonia voice: Be patient, na, Nitishji. I have asked for a new index of development. You will be guaranteed that Bihar will be last in the rankings.
Nitish: Ah, okay, Soniaji. Who is heading the panel for creating the new index?
Sonia voice: It isn't finalised yet, but we are thinking hotly about Shatrughan Sinhaji.
Nitish: Thank you madam, thank you.

Free Run is a fortnightly look at alternate realities joel.rai@bsmail.in