Ruminations in high places

The prime minister had called an emergency meeting of the cabinet recently. Here is what happened, but because of the provisions of the Official Secrets Act, the names of the participants have been changed.

PM: I have called this meeting because we are sitting on the horns of a dilemma. You know that in most states we have banned the slaughter of the cow and her progeny. We are beefing up the laws, and some of the states have now cowed meat-sellers into banning the slaughter even of bulls and old bovines.

Gopal (Health ministry): Yes, that is good news. At least the sex ratio will be better now. Till now, the ratio was skewed in favour of females - 1 bull to every 8 cows.

PM: Yes, but we have to think of ways to yoke technology to deal with the bovine population explosion. I was looking up Wikipedia and it says India had the highest cattle population in the world of over 285 million in 2003. Second in the world was Brazil with just 187 million. The number must be much higher now. We are exporting 2.5 million tonne of beef every year. But now we will obviously have more animals around to care for.

Krishna (Labour ministry): Yes, I have already received representations from COWS.

PM: Cows?

Krishna: Yes, the Coalition of Widowed Survivors, whose members have all lost their husbands to abbatoirs. They want pension benefits, else how will they survive after retirement?

Mrs Gopi (Finance ministry): Making no bones of it, Sir, but we are prepared to provide for VRS and VRS in the next Budget.

PM: VRS?

Mrs Gopi: Well, the bovine work force can avail of the voluntary retirement scheme when they are still young. We will ensure this will entitle them to lifelong discounts at the VRS, or the Veal Resort and Spa. We will also have GPS in place soon. The Gaumata Pension Scheme will work hand-in-hand with NPS.

PM: Hmmm… meaty ideas.

Gopal: And the health ministry will put the HERD scheme into action immediately. (Seeing puzzled looks)… HERD, or Hospitals Earmarked for Retired Domesticates.

PM: Yes, that will be a great way to butter up the disgruntled bovines. They are milking the situation. We have already received threats of an armed struggle from AMUL, you know, the Army of Mooers and Ungulate Labourers. They have told us they want no bull sh#t. They are thick skinned and bull-headed and we better not take chances.

Nandi (Statistics ministry): But we need to have meticulous data… numbers, mortality rates, fertility rates… Sir, really, this is serious fodder for thought.

Govinda (Home ministry): Not to worry, our babus are already working on CENSUS, which as you know stands for Cattle Enumeration and Sustainable Utility System. It is a multi-ministerial project and we have received good feedback from UDDER on this. (To the prime minister) Sir, UDDER is the Union of Draft Animals and Dairy Endowers. Also we are ready to gather biometrics for unique Gaidhaar numbers that will be linked to DBT, the Delivery of Bovine Tangibles, under which all benefits will be clubbed.

PM: Good, let's chew on these. I see all of you are pulling together and no one is ploughing a lonely furrow. BEEF should be happy. That is, the NGO called Bovines for Emancipation, Empowerment and Freedom. They were insistent on their rights when they met me recently. We are poised to lead a great moovment!

Free Run is a fortnightly look at
alternate realities joel.rai@bsmail.in