Our right to be offended

Eight years ago, this minister walked out of a seafood joint saying the pomfret fry he had ordered was stale and inedible. His action was obviously aimed at insulting the great people of the Konkan region, their cuisine, customs and culture.

Because of his hostile act, the people of the region retaliated by mounting an agitation against him. They picketed his meetings, blackened his face on posters, heckled his supporters and agitated so that his party had to drop him from its core committee.

"No one can insult our people, or our cuisine!" the president of the Konkan People Power Committee is reported to have said. " They shall be taught which fish to fry."

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The local police have apprehended a leading actress of a popular film because she enacted a scene in which it appeared she mocked the awkward dance moves of a man.

She did this by twisting her lips in a sneering way. Slow motion clips of the scene, which were studied over a period of five days by experts, clearly depicted that she had done so.

"She has destroyed the confidence and damaged the self esteem of bad dancers," said the spokesperson of the 'Right To Dance Just How We Please' party. "We approached the police department, filed a complaint and they have arrested her. We will see that she is not given bail. After all, we do have the courage of our convulsions," he said.

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A journalist who was regularly observed to have missed out on the articles 'a' and ' the' in his columns has been issued a legal notice by the Society For the Propagation of Good Syntax and Preservation of Articles.

"Your actions demonstrate a malign intent and discrimination against words that have been already too undervalued and unappreciated," the notice read. "This is lie," responded the journalist. "People who are ascribing such motives to me are pits and motivated by other agendas. Whole world knows truth."

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A committee has been set up to investigate why a clique of leading fashion designers has been discriminating against a few colours in their work. "Pink, taupe and yellow ochre have been given short shrift by these fashionistas and we are demanding to know why," said the president of the committee, a lady of high learning and impeccable taste. "It gives out the wrong message, besides making some of us who liked these shades feel discriminated against and out of date."

To defend themselves, the designers have taken to wearing only black and white as a sign of protest. "It's true that we didn't use those three colours, but it was done because they don't go with the Indian complexion," said one ginger-haired maven. "But it's not that we don't like them personally. Things are not so black and white."

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A leading TV anchor has been charged for hostile acts, malign intent and insulting the sentiments of a professional soundbiter by arguing with him during a talk show, talking over his comments, asking him to "shut up" and then not giving him time to reply.

"By his acts, it can be construed that he is against the community of soundbiters and has damaged their standing and esteem in the eyes of the common man," said the Judge. "For this nothing less than a year of solitary confinement, absolute silence and mandatory watching of silent films and mime artists will do."

In his defence, the anchor said nothing.

Malavika Sangghvi is a Mumbai-based writer malavikasangghvi@hotmail.com