It's all in the mind

Dear doctor sahib,

I am male and in my 40s. For the past month or so I have been having great doubts about myself. Am I a leader, I ask myself the whole night because sleep eludes me even on holidays far away from home. My nightmare every day is re-living the images of my rival riding a huge wave to victory over me. I know a lot of people are saying I am not a leader. Even people I am supposedly leading say so. How can I convince myself I am truly a leader?

RG

Dear RG,
It is easy to be delusional in times of stress. But leadership comes from doing things differently and not being afraid to do so. You have gone on holidays when you should have been at home. You have chosen to sit on the back benches when you should have grabbed the best seat in the front row. You have allowed juniors to be in the media limelight. Only a leader can do such things so differently from the normal. Besides, don't forget, you too rode a wave to Parliament. Wasn't there a wave among the Indian electorate to help you avoid becoming prime minister, a position you were not keen on? Are you convinced now?

Dear doctor sahib,

I am male, 71, currently in a position I had never aspired for. One day, my boss, Mrs SG, called me and said, "Kharge avaru, you will be our party leader in the Lok Sabha." But none of my party colleagues think I am a real leader. When I tell them about something, they look at me momentarily as if they are looking at a mask before they turn back to their incessant talk of SG and RG. I am nothing in front of the two Gs. My two G problem is bigger than our government's 2G problem. Please tell me how to deal with this.

M Kharge

Dear Kharge avaru,
How you are to deal with your two G problem is a Rs 1.76 lakh crore question. But I would suggest that you begin with behavioural reinforcement. You have to stop people calling you avaru. Yes, it is an honorific in your native Karnataka, but you are now in New Delhi. You have to ensure that everyone calls you ji in the North Indian fashion. If anyone baulks at adding ji to your name, suspend him/her for six years from the party. When you achieve the target of having everyone address you solely as Khargeji, your problem will be close to resolution. Your partymen will then be talking of 3G - Sonia G, Rahul G and Khargeji.

Dear doctor sahib,
I am 45, wear a paper cap and am a constant loser. First, they said I had lost my mental balance in forming a political party of non-politicians. Then I lost the trust of people when my government resigned after 29 days. Then I lost two elections. Having lost face, I have now lost my house . I have no place to live. I have even been deprived of a house somebody was willing to give me in Old Delhi. Why?

Arvind

Dear Arvind,
Your house problem stems from your subsconscious hankering after the highest post in the Lower House. And when you actually failed to reach the House, your mind just lost it. The way forward for you is to first stop denying that you have a problem about Houses, then recognise how serious your House addiction is, and after that decide to change your House behaviour. There is, of course, a short cut to your problem. Consult the former HRD minister. He knows a good property dealer. But will your former IIT friends spare Rs 16 lakh a month as rent?

Free Run is a fortnightly look at alternate realities joel.rai@bsmail.in