How to teach the mutt some manners

There are PET behaviour scientists now, modern-speak for trainers at dog obedience schools, who'll teach the unfortunate canine to roll over and beg, or sit, or shake a paw.

Clearly not intrinsic to dog behaviour, which is why they do it with a sense of resistance.

But increasingly, the issue of bad manners and the mutt has been getting out of hand.

The two most important humps that dog owners have to get over is the case of the barking dog, and the case of the greedy dog. Now, a dog will bark; it's what nature intended it to do.

But it isn't the happy bow-wow by way of greeting, or bow-bow-bow by way of threatening that is being referred to here.

What needs to be monitored is the hysterical barking fit small breeds can sometimes get up to when visitors come knocking at the door.

It's when they don't stop barking that you need to start thinking of getting them some training. You could shut the mutt in the bedroom (where it'll probably shred the pillows), or shout it into submission (with frequent growls to remind the poor guest that he/she is unwelcome on the premises).

But the permanent cure is likely to be a psychological one "" take the pooch to a pet shrink to get analysed on the couch. The shrink will in all likelihood tell you it's a territorial thing, that dogs are DNAed to be hostile to intruders. The cure? Behaviourial lessons that'll cost you a packet. Following which the dog might bare his fangs a bit, but his bark won't be as bad as his bite.

If the loud dog is a pest, the forever hungry one is worse. Look away and he'll burp quietly after swallowing your dinner. Put a plate of tikkas on the coffee table and he'll act like he hasn't been fed since the last famine.

A hint of something cheesy or chocolatey and Snowy will addle you with guilt.

This is an upbringing thing, something that's easily sorted if you steel your heart and refuse to mollycoddle the pup with food-a-minute. Dogs aren't governed to feel constantly hungry.

They're okay with their two square meals a day. So, as long as you make sure that you feed them only at the scheduled feeding times, and keep the pampering to the occasional biscuit tossed in the food bowl, they won't harrass you over food at odd times and odd places.

What happens when you're training a pet in toilet manners, and use the reward system for getting it right?

As long as you restrict the treat to his food bowl (or occasionally outside the house), you're doing fine.

Similarly, a dog is happiest (and securest) with its own bed, or cushions, or rug, to lie on. Don't let it clamber on to beds and sofas, and he won't expect to be allowed there.

This can be tough, especially when it's a pup, but do you really want a large and smelly dog sprawled across your bed when the airconditioning breaks down?

The worst set of manners a dog can display is when it's feeling amorous. The best cure "" a romance "" is not often instantly possible. Besides, its object of affection "" usually your or a guest's leg "" isn't going to earn it sympathy from humans. The best treatment is what's advised for most men "" a cold shower.

But since you can't keep shoving the beast into the bathroom, long walks are advised. Should keep both dog and owner away from any mischief they might otherwise have got up to.