Learning from regret

It is almost impossible to find an adult who has no regrets. Those who claim to have no regrets are probably in a state of self-denial. But if the quality of regret is essentially backward-looking, Daniel H Pink in The Power of Regret offers an insightful new perspective on how accepting regret can be a positive way forward. The book asserts that regret is a fundamental part of human life, and if tackled in fresh and imaginative ways can help us make smarter decisions, perform better and deepen our sense and purpose in life.

Dr Pink draws on research in philosophy, neuroscience, economics, biology and inferences from a large sampling of attitudes from about 105 countries, which he diligently collected for nearly two years during the Covid-19 pandemic as part of his “world regret survey”. He identifies various types of regrets — career choices, infidelities, procrastination, difficult marriages, lost friendships — and he categorises them into four broad patterns — Foundation; Connection; Boldness; and Moral. 

Moral regrets are those caused by poor behaviour or compromising on our core belief system. Wisdom lies in understanding that the moment of weakness is not worth the pain that follows. An important aspect of moral foundation is that it infuses loyalty, cements bonds in groups and coalitions against adversities, which explains why social groups place a premium on team spirit. Connection regrets arise as a result of neglecting people who helped establish our own sense of worth and fullness. Similarly, hurting others is so unequivocally wrong that on reflection people seek to channel that regret into more respectable behaviour.

Of all the categories of regret, Foundation regret afflicts most people. This largely stems from, say, not having taken timely decisions early in life to secure a good education, financial, and physical well-being to reduce uncertainties and pursue opportunities later. Similarly, Boldness regret hinges on taking chances and calculated risks at all stages of life, including in romance, marriage, jobs, business and so on. Dr Pink’s survey shows that playing safe can be a deep source of regret for many people.

The author draws from ancient Chinese wisdom that says the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago and the second best time is today.The lesson is plain: Take action at every stage of life. Fiddling in the moment causes regret just as valuing the now too much and the later too little causes pain. Dr Pink reminds us of the story of the eternal valuable fable of the hard working ants in contrast to the merry-making grasshopper in good times that died of starvation.

With captivating anecdotes and crisp humour, Dr Pink destigmatises the word regret as he takes us on a journey on how to transform regret to a positive force to work smarter and live better. Conclusions drawn from decades-long research on cognitive psychology provides insights as to how regret makes us more humane. In contrast, the inability to feel regret is, in some sense, the apotheosis of the “no regrets” philosophy, according to the author. It is not an advantage but a sign of brain damage. The human cognitive machinery is programmed for regret as a survival tool of our species. Feeling is a thinking process that naturally occurs for survival, an ability that separates humans from animals.

What distinguishes regret from disappointment is personal responsibility. Disappointment exists outside our control, while regret comes out of our own poor actions. Even though regret is a uniquely painful human emotion, it is the quintessential upward counterfactual — the ultimate “if only”, at least in part, because it makes us feel worse now to help us do better tomorrow. With time we are much more likely to regret the chances we didn’t take and in that sense regret is a reflection of what most people value in their lives. So confronting regrets allows us to discover something more important in life.

Dr Pink’s book takes us into a realm of human psychology that is most relevant for humans today. The thousands of anonymously posted regrets in the author’s survey reflect our own inner voices. But despite the author’s compelling and insightful reflections, the book leaves us wondering whether lack of wise and timely counsel could be another limiting factor. Also, it is unclear whether the reflection on regret would be any good in traditional societies, especially for women bound by custom and patriarchy, Dalits alienated by caste and the poor crippled by poverty. The helplessness caused by pandemics, natural catastrophe, war and terrorism that are beyond anyone’s control also puts serious limitations on people’s choices. These situations tie most people to their fates, with no escape from their regrets.
 

The reviewer is an Indian foreign service officer currently working in the ministry of external affairs