Model Business

THE REPORTER Id sent to Auto Expo 96 to cruise around looking at the new models and come up with story suggestions failed to show up at the office for the entire duration of the event. This was not amusing. When he did make his reappearance at the office, it was with a silly grin plastered across his face. You cant yell at somebody with a face as stupid as his.

So tell me I said resignedly.

Im in love, Boss, he said. And its all your fault, he continued, winking in an odious fashion, which I thought was most unbecoming, but I kept my temper under rein.

Congratulations, I couldnt keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

Boss, he said, Editor. Pal. Im really, really in love.

Yes, with his behind, I wanted to tell him, but there was work to be done. I want a report, filed and ready this afternoon, on the best models, and the fastest, the most glamorous...

He didnt let me complete my brief. They were all beautiful Boss, but I freaked out on the one in green. The red was mind-blowing too. In fact, the yellow and the pink also held their own.

I hope youll do better than refer to them by their colours, and indicate their names, I said, alarmed.

Cant do, Boss, he said. They were all cordoned off from the public, and we couldnt get close enough. But I can describe them all, he said helpfully.

And what if they change their colours, you moron, I screamed. Are you to identify the models by their colours all their life.

He appeared crestfallen: I never thought of that, Boss.

You never think, period, I wanted to say, but I needed him to give me a report for the pages we were holding back.

Tell you what Boss, Ill describe them real well. Youll know them when you see them. I spent a long time just looking at them. The orange one really turned well, and the purple had the sexiest curves Ive ever seen. As for the black one, Boss, now theres a body to die for.

Enough, I said drily. Now make sure you get the dynamics and figures right, I wouldnt want to get any complaints later.

Ill dream of their statistics for years, Boss, how could I possibly get them wrong, he almost moaned.

Their movement and speed, mind theres absolutely no mistake, I continued.

Boss, boss, he was quivering with excitement now, dont go on so, please, I cant take it any more, and clutching his hands to his heart in a filmi gesture, he staggered off to his desk.

I got my report in the evening, and he was right, he didnt miss out a single detail, not one little bit, but had he made a boo-boo.

You idiot, I admonished him. I cant believe youve spent a week looking at the cars when what I wanted was a report on the showgirls.

Really, the things some people have on their minds.