Chennai Express: The worst of the Shetty kind

Chennai Express is an assault on the viewers' sensibilities, says Aabhas Sharma who wanted to exit 15 minutes into the film

It's a million dollar - or rather Rs 100-crore - question: how do Rohit Shetty's films end up being blockbusters? Bizarrely, the man keeps churning out mindless capers and yet they somehow end up making mega bucks. Of course, there's a market for all kinds of cinema and Shetty seems to have perfected the art of doling out the nonsensical kind. His latest, Chennai Express, is different - in the sense that it's more than nonsensical and doesn't stop piling on the misery till the last scene.

Chennai Express runs for over 140 minutes. It actually starts off on a decent note. However, 10 minutes into the film and the first "meaningful" exchange between Shah Rukh Khan and Deepika Padukone takes place via a song. Sounds bad? Well it's actually worse than it actually sounds. And why are they talking like that? People around them, who anyway can't understand a word of Hindi, don't even get suspicious.

You actually think that this is perhaps the worst part of the film and it will get better. But guess what? You are wrong. Scene by scene, frame by frame, dialogue by dialogue, Chennai Express is a brutal assault on your cinematic sensibilities. It is offensive - not just to the Tamil community, but to mankind. There's not a single redeeming feature in the film. Chennai Express comfortably falls in the category of films that are terrible on all counts, whatever they be.

Is it a Hindi film? Not really, because at least 50 per cent of the film is in Tamil. And there are no subtitles because that's Padukone's job - Khan even calls her "Miss Subtitles".

Khan (not so surprisingly named Rahul) lives with his grandparents and runs a chain of mithai shops. A predictable turn of events and he finds himself going to a village in Tamil Nadu. He monkeys around for most of the film, hams his way in almost every scene, spreads his arms (he really needs to stop doing that), tries to be clever and spoofs his own films. "My name is Rahul and I am not a terrorist" or "Rahul, naam toh suna nahin hoga." It's an infuriating film and Khan doesn't help its case even one bit. In one scene, he says "nature's call", then goes to the washroom and croons into his phone, "Hello Nature". The phone is the worst in-film brand placement you will come across, that too twice in the space of a minute.

Padukone, despite the over-the-top accent and terrible lines given to her, does her part sincerely. Her " aati ", " jaati ", " tum kya karti " stereotypes do annoy you, though. But you can see she has at least put in an effort in a film where everyone else seems to think that since it's a Rohit Shetty film, Rs 100 crore is guaranteed.

It's a loud - more like ear-splitting - film and the background score is jarring. Even if you want to nod off - which you would want to - you can't, because you literally have to cover your ears to shut off the cacophony. I was reminded of the typical 1980s films where a song would begin and half the audience would walk out to have a samosa or a loo break. I don't know whether it's a blessing in disguise but Chennai Express doesn't have many songs to allow you that luxury.

Even for Shetty's mindless oeuvre, Chennai Express is simply insufferable. I wanted to walk out after 15 minutes, and would have done so, if not for this review. You, readers, are fortunate. You can simply avoid Shah Rukh's latest.