Oh my dog!

You could have thought it was a political conclave, the amount of noise there was. You could hear yelps, arfs, grrrs, rowfs and grunts in all tones and pitches and it took the baritone bark of the sagacious Rhondu to quieten the hall. Even those attending the meet on video-conferencing fell silent. "I want to call the meeting of the Brotherhood of Juvenile Pooches to order," he said, as the hubbub died down and the tailed assembly slid down on their fours. "The time, fellow furries, has come for BJP to fight back insinuations, to prove to our enemies that we can embrace them. BJP must show them that we are all fellow travellers on this earth, so what if we raise one leg and the others don't." A volley of approving woofs went up.

Mastiff Rhondu soon convinced all the juveniles that they should go out and win the hearts of their sworn enemies - the members of the Important & Unimportant Meowers' League. "IUML must know we love them. Go show them love," commanded the president of BJP. "Everyone thinks dogs and cats never get along. Let us show them how wrong they are. So, off you go, only be careful not to come under the wheels of rushing politicians," he warned.

Amid excited yips and yaps, the tail-wagging BJP associates discussed what they would do to further their president's cause. One coy retriever, her golden hair all ashimmer, said, "I will woo them with beauty" and ran off to the garbage bin behind Jalsa to dig out the Angelo Katsupis maxidress that Aishwarya Rai had thrown in a rage after being panned by Cannes' fashion police. A Rottweiler with dark, menacing eyebrows declared he would prove appearances could be deceptive and off he bounded to rummage for khaki shorts so he could disguise himself as a friendly neighbourhood fascist. A shy Irish Setter decided to hide his beautiful brunette tresses under a burqa so as not to antagonise suspicious members of the Meowers' League. A fourth, an almost feral Pitbull, declaimed, to howls of approval, that he would pose as a feline nationalist and carry a placard saying, "I am a cat lover".

President Rhondu watched with pride as his party members sprinted away, all agog at finally getting a chance to hobnob with the enemy and convince them of BJP's noble intentions. "After the meowers are won over, we can then get others to ally with us, we will rule the world then," the wily canine ruminated.

Seven days later, BJP met to discuss the progress of the new strategy. Compared to the historical meeting a week ago, the gaiety was audibly subdued. There were more depressing yips than light-hearted woofs, and there definitely was less tail-wagging going on. When Rhondu called the Brotherhood of Juvenile Pooches to report on their efforts, it was Aishwarya Retriever who got up. "I thought I was fetching in my dress. When I saw a clowder, I put on my most coquettish look and simpered up to them. But, know what? They glared at me when I mewled at them and spat out a nasty 'Bitch!' before chasing me away," she sobbed. Rowdy Rottweiler's known aggression was gone and he wore his khaki shorts over his head in shame at having failed to come even within five feet of a feline. "My bark, my bark," he whined, "if only I had been able to meow." The Irish beauty hesitated before saying, "I don't know how they knew it was me. When I neared them, the IUML members retreated a step and told me, 'We know who you are, you can't hide behind a burqa'." Pugnacious Pitbull had a similar report. "When I reached their office with my placard, I found myself barking up the wrong tree. You see, they were there blocking my way with banners saying, 'If you are a cat lover, we are secular fundamentalists'." He slinked away. All the others too had similar tales of derision to narrate.

President Rhondu sat defeated, his woe-begone Mastiff expression a story in itself. He and his brotherhood would probably never forget the day the BJP learnt that whatever their garb, their true self would always be betrayed by their undisguisable speech.

Free Run is a fortnightly look at alternate realities joel.rai@bsmail.in