Revenge poop

Tortured by his boss, Ramu decided to send him a special gift. He wanted revenge to be sweet and smelly, hence planned on sending his digestion's by-product as present. But his plans came crashing when he realised it's more agonising to pack poop than to send poop.

This is when he turned to Faecesbook, which introduced him to the marvels of the internet. With great admiration, Ramu discovered internet companies that not only promised poop but also packed and delivered poop to any address in the world. Ramu's discovery had powerful repercussions for his boss, so powerful, even the atom bomb looked small. Ramu had not just bought poop, but also an emotional venting. It could have been worse. And the safe, timely, as-advertised arrival renewed Ramu's faith in the new crop of internet startups.

Read more from our special coverage on "NET SHERPA, INTERNET"

• The internet of robots

So, this is the internet for you, full of new and exciting startups, promising innovative solutions. Unfortunately, many never manage to master the logistics. But not so with Shitexpress.com, ShitSenders.com, and Ipoopyou.com: their brown efforts are already shining in their professional service, which you can use to even send a personalised letter, no-frills, just like the poop packaging.

You can send poop on your behalf to people you hate. Some startups also offer the ability to accept bitcoins (digital currency). For many like me, this is the first reason to get a bitcoin. Critics, however, say that a box of poop is the same as a box of bitcoins - both worthless.

Although some offer plain vanilla - just horse manure -, true visionaries add fanciful types. Also, you may go for plain, cute, or ceremonial wrapping. The "cute" one features a smiley. Packages could be marked as gifts to pass Customs. However, a stricter official could face a nasty surprise.

It's interesting to note that all these sites are based on the fact that people spend money on worthless stuff. And economists predict a rising market for poop startups. They maintain that poop is an inferior good - its demand rises during economic slowdown, and vice versa. But there is no first-hand way of testing this: no one can artificially limit its supply to see what effect it has on prices. However, critics claim that the theory overlooks the diversity on offer: from slurry to rock-hard. Even so, the points that some startups score for variety (cow, elephant, gorilla, horse), they tend to lose those marks for requiring a credit card - which casts doubt on their ability to offer buyer anonymity.

As for me, I just hope these startups remain organised: it's hard to differentiate between incoming and outgoing correspondence.

The experts I talked to were not surprised by a market for outsourced revenge, or that internet entrepreneurs were stepping in to fill the demand. So, for those catering to jilted lovers, disgruntled employees, and frustrated neighbours, it's pretty inexpensive to stock up on poop, and you can ask a lump sum from those who want to be anonymous using bitcoins. But an analyst warns, "It's unlawful to send faecal matter through mail unless the package has been sent by a nurse, a doctor, or a lab." He points out fake faeces (chemically-altered dough) as an option, but again, counterfeit goods could land in you jail.

At the moment, I am without any true enemies. Yet I find it hard to wait for the deluxe service, that sprays poop all over your face on unboxing, to arrive. Again, I don't have any dark-hearted revenge in mind.
ashish.sharma@bsmail.in