Teaching America a lesson

Following the Devyani Khobragade affair, the government of India, in conjunction with the ministry of external affairs, has come up with various ways to teach America a lesson so that it never ever treats personnel from our diplomatic mission so shabbily again.

Expert sleuthing on our part, which involved hanging around tables at the Taj's House of Ming, eavesdropping on conversations at coffee shops at Khan Market and at the lunch room at the India International Centre, have unearthed some of these brilliant strategies, designed by the highest in the land to cut American diplomats in India to size. We present a few, exclusively, for the readers of this paper:

Top designers in Delhi like Tarun Tahiliani and Rohit Bal have been coopted on an expansive project to harass the wives of US diplomats by passing off last year's fashions as this year's when they come around to shop. Not only this, but in a few cases they have also been persuaded to sell them mismatched garments (pajamas and tunics), or worse, those produced in Karol Bagh and made of synthetics! "This will be our way of causing distress and acute embarrassment," says a ministry official on assurance of anonymity. "They must be shown that the days of Jacqueline Lundquist looking glamorous in Tarun Tahiliaini are long over"

Khan Market storeowners have been directed to hide their condiments when US diplomats enter their shops. "No barbeque sauce, no hot-and-sour, no truffle oil and, definitely, no ketchup. From now on the meals of American diplomats in India will be bland bland bland," says a former IFS officer wickedly, rubbing his hands in glee. "And if this dinner diplomacy doesn't work, we have an even more diabolical strategy. No reservations for tables at Bukhara! We will hit them where it hurts the most."

Stepping up the tactical master plan, the minister of external affairs, the very suave and erudite Salman Khurshid has himself devised the third level of the crusade to teach Americans a powerful lesson. This involves having Delhi's top flight and celebrated hostesses and a few others from personally ensuring that they do not invite their American diplomat friends to their A-list parties. "Only their B-list soirees will be open to these scoundrels," thunders Khurshid. "And even then, they will not be invited to sit on the main table or too close to the chief guests at dinner."

Private sources reveal that Delhi's celebrated hostesses have embraced the plan with unexpected glee. "We never liked the Americans in any case," one of them says. " European diplomats are far more cultured and charming…and the wine they bring over is far superior to that new world tripe!"

But it is the fourth plan in the arsenal that has won appreciation for India's diplomatic bosses hands down. This involves making the wives of all US diplomats feel fat. "Every one, from their friends, office staff, and domestic workers, have been instructed to look at them in a way as if they've suddenly put on a lot of weight. And if they enquire, 'you think I look a bit chubby in this dress?', they have been instructed to respond with a gentle but devastating "perhaps. A bit around the waist."

In this manner India will teach the US a lesson it will never ever ever forget.

Remember gentle reader, you heard it here first.

Malavika Sangghvi is a Mumbai-based writer malavikasangghvi@hotmail.com