The belly and its fires

Parents don't draw the line between providing sensibly and spoiling silly. It starts from childhood and extends to the teens when children want to be seen with the best brands

When we were growing up, this term was virtually unheard of. But now increasingly I hear puzzled parents tell me: "He just has no fire in his belly" or "I don't know why, or what to do, but he is simply not motivated".

An article by Ajit Balakrishnan in the Tuesday edition of this paper got me thinking about this. He points out that many successful parents are facing the prospect of having their children live with them longer than they perhaps should. In many cases, what is on offer at the parental home is so cushy that there seems little reason for the sons (this is truer for sons than daughters, since they leave the parental abode when they marry) to step out into the real world and make a life for himself. I myself know four men or sons in their mid-to-late 40s who are yet to take this step, and, indeed, in all four cases continue to live off their parents. It's not as if there is any clear evidence of disability in any of the above-mentioned cases.

If one looks closely into the belly of an infant, it's unlikely that one will see any kind of spark. So clearly, it's not something one is born with. So again - just like with many such problems - it is nurture rather than nature that leads to it.

Parents - especially those who are well-to-do - don't draw the line between providing sensibly, and simply spoiling silly. Almost everything is available on a platter even before a child demands it (and they don't think twice before demanding). This starts at a very young age with toys and treats, extends into the teenage years when children want to be seen with the best brands and won't wear anything except what is "in" at the moment. And then, this extends into adulthood, when they seem to have very little incentive to do anything. Parents have over-provided at every stage and there seems to be no reason to stop.

This too much too soon extends to many other things in life. Travel is one. Many parents today no longer holiday within the country since it is so passe and they can afford much more. So, by the time a child reaches the age of 15, he may have seen 15 to 20 countries already. Since a Hyatt or Four Seasons in one country is usually quite similar to that in another, children have been there and done that rather early in life. Many of these children have never seen the Taj Mahal or the Golden Temple but most would have been to Disneyland or the Eiffel Tower. Mussoorie has given way to Mauritius and Maldives, Shimla to Singapore, and Bengaluru to Bali. A friend's son showed no interest in going for a holiday to Australia saying that he'd been there thrice already and was quite done with the place. The parents expressed horror but didn't stop to think why; they just changed the destination to New Zealand.

Similarly, overprotective and affluent parents are now providing their college-going children with a car and driver. When I asked a friend if this wasn't overindulgent, she got very defensive but argued that the government was to blame since the system of U-specials (these were special buses dedicated to ferrying students to Delhi University from across the city) no longer existed. She feared (and rightly so) for her daughter's safety, but the metro was not an option as it was not for people like us. She couldn't allow her daughter to drive (she is too young and inexperienced to drive alone so far). And in any case it was too tiring. She also argued that this was quite common - she knows several students who are driven daily from Gurgaon and south Delhi to attend colleges in North and South campuses.

Then, I know parents - fathers mostly - who are working 24 x 7, partly because they assume or suspect that their progeny may lack motivation or could even be worthless. Moreover, they want to provide not only for them but even for their grandchildren - the generation to follow. Few will admit it openly but the lurking fear is that their children may go nowhere and hence no amount is enough.

And no amount really is enough. I'll end with a conversation I had with an old school friend (rich, Delhi old money) who said that she has been insisting that her maid and only son fly business (she and her husband fly first) from the time he was two so that he doesn't think he is entitled. When I asked why not economy for both the maid and son, she said it was too far back in the plane and she felt uncomfortable leaving the child alone for so long, so far back.

anjulibhargava@gmail.com