Alternative Awards
Most Booker winners, unless they are extremely fond of the sound of their own voice, have an ordeal of their own to go through the acceptance speech. Arundhati circumvented that neatly, displaying the burble of an Oscar winner rather than the erudite musings of a literary figure. Beryl Bainbridge, whos been shortlisted for the Booker four times and never won, said recently that she might just do the same thing. The first time I was nominated, I was too scared to prepare a speech; the second time round, I thought it would be bad luck, so I didnt; the third time, I decided not to think about it at all. And the fourth time, Id got so used to not winning that I probably would just have opened and closed my mouth soundlessly if I had.
There are, however, other award ceremonies that make it both easier and more fun for the winner. An invitation to the Agatha Awards, instituted to celebrate mysteries of manner, is almost like an invitation to a theme party. The convention at which the awards are presented is called Malice Domestic. You can also be assured that your fellow nominees will all be the right sort of people, since to be eligible, your novel must contain no explicit sex nviolence. The biggest lure is the award itself winners receive a charming teapot emblazoned with a Malice skull and crossbones. You cant get much closer to Malice in Wonderland than this!
Specialists in westerns get to win their spurs, literally. The Spur Awards used to be in the shape of miniature silver spurs, though for reasons of economy, theyre merely silver-plated these days. It hardly matters even the Wild West isnt what it used to be, after all. It also offers one of the most unusual trophies for a sub-category. First time authors get to take a shot at The Medicine Pipe Bearers Award. No prizes for guessing what the trophy looks like.
The Firecrac-ker Alternative Book Awards may be just two years old, but they have already pioneered a shift in focus. Instead of the spotlight falling on the prize-winning author, it falls on the master of ceremonies, who is expected to put up a performance of some sort. This years master of ceremonies was Barry Yourgrau, who lists his profession as author and spoken word performer. They did say it was alternative, after all.
The Bram Stoker awards for best horror fiction is normally little more than an overblown costume ball, in terms of the ceremony. This year, its going to be a mammoth overblown costume ball, though, since theyre celebrating the centenary of Bram Stokers Dracula.
But the most bizarre story of the lot surrounds the highly respected Macavity Awards, given appropriately enough for the best of mystery. In its ten-year existence, it has happened thrice that authors have set out for the awards ceremony and had to turn back. When the awards were announced, they, like T S Eliots famed mystery cat, were simply never there!