Drill, baby, drill

Skidding over the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

It’s been an embarrassing couple of weeks for the Republican Party. Their hallowed party slogan has been rendered improper for mixed company by events in the Gulf of Mexico, when an oilrig with a pronounced liberal bias blew its top and started spilling its dark secrets into the ocean depths.

Since the accident first happened, as the nation watches in horror, the errant rig has continued to indulge itself, pumping tens of thousands of barrels of oil into the ocean every day. Actually, the nation hasn’t been watching very much, because there’s precious little to watch. To give the Devil his due, the company that owns the rig, BP, rushed swiftly to plug the leak. Not the oil leak itself, but leaks to the media of any photographs or video footage, which could prove damaging to the company’s image. This is all in the public interest, of course. The company has released a study, which proves conclusively that watching an oil spill in progress is far more hazardous to the public health than consuming seafood poisoned by said spill.

Republicans who used to shout from the rooftops about the benefits of offshore drilling have been running from their beloved slogan like rats from a sinking rig. One particularly vociferous erstwhile sloganeer went to great creative lengths to explain how he had been misquoted. At a press conference, he complained that the liberal media had twisted his words around, and had accused him of saying “Drill, baby, drill” when he’d really said, “Drill here, drill now.” When the assembled reporters asked him what the difference was, he said his words had been taken out of context, and that it was just a snippet of a conversation with his dentist about a painful cavity in his molars. Before he could be questioned further, he shouted a few random quotes from Ronald Reagan, wheeled out a giant cardboard cutout of the Great Communicator, and in its larger-than-life shadow, made good his escape.

The Democrats, who are watching their rivals’ discomfiture with silent glee, are hoping the questions don’t start flying in their direction. There isn’t that much difference between their policies, after all. Where the Republican Party loudly espouses the position that they were put on this earth to ensure that the land is properly raped and pillaged till no tree is left standing, and not a drop of oil remains in the ground, the Democrats merely ask that they be allowed to form a committee and watch over the corporate shoulder while the rape and pillage is being done. Besides, oil’s ability to grease the skids of senatorial elections has been scientifically proven to be completely bi-partisan. So the politicians bicker and snipe, the company does damage control against negative publicity, and the oil continues to pulse into the sea. Given the malleability of public opinion, one could even conceive of the slogan getting a slight makeover and “Spill, baby, spill” becoming the new mantra. We might even be looking at a future which includes Maine lobster pre-marinated in oil. Imagine the possibilities!

(Papi Menon is a writer and technologist based in San Francisco)