Heavy petting

Owning a pet is good for your heart.

Valentine’s Day — now shortened by the SMS generation to VD, which is also serendipitously the acronym for “venereal disease” — is upon us yet again, and the buildup to the joyous event is as gripping as ever. The Ram Sene, which demonstrated its commitment to morality by assaulting women at a Mangalore pub last year, has announced that it will not allow VD celebrations in Karnataka. Archies has rolled out a series of V-Day cards for gay couples, to celebrate the de-criminalisation of consensual homosexuality.

(I can’t wait to see how the Ram Sene and other like-minded outfits respond) And Rediff.com, in its infinite wisdom, has conducted a readers’ poll asking “Is Valentine’s Day becoming too commercial?” (http://bit.ly/csR7kg). This path-breaking survey has already drawn thoughtful responses like the following: “No it isnt. Ask any husband — It is better to spend on all she wants on a single day, and do away with it, rather than keep on footing bill (sic) on every single day of the year. Hehhehheh. (sic)”

Mumbaikars are usually thought of as more grounded people than Delhiites, but in a stunning twist it transpires that Dilliwallahs are being more sensible about V-Day this year, by refusing to book luxury limousines and helicopters for special dates. “On the other hand,” quipped a friend on email, “if you book a large limo in Delhi traffic, you might as well be prepared to spend the evening in the backseat of the car.” Meanwhile, rumour has it that a few young girls working for security at Heathrow airport got an unexpected Valentine present from Shah Rukh Khan, when he autographed printouts of his own (naked) outline after going through the full-body scanner. Most people suspect this is a publicity stunt for My Name is Khan (“I see something black in the lentils,” deadpans a commenter on Sepia Mutiny — http://bit.ly/dmiXMu) but personally I’m most amused by the discovery that the UK Transport Secretary — widely quoted in the aftermath of the incident — is named Lord Adonis.

But my favourite Valentine’s Day story so far is the poll finding that a large number of people prefer to spend the special day with their pets rather than with human partners. (Indians came second in the list of people who expressed this preference, with as many as 41 per cent of respondents renouncing their own species.) On News.com.au (http://bit.ly/c2FxOW), a commenter named Astrid says, “My dog has more personality than the men I meet.” The male perspective is summed up on Guyism (http://bit.ly/dCa24u), where a poster mulls, “Guys spend V-Day with some girl they don’t really have any romantic feelings with, just because they’re ‘supposed to’. But with a dog, you scratch him behind the ear, play a video game, perhaps pleasure yourself while he stares at you…typically only 33 percent of these options occur with a girlfriend.”

Medical research is with animal lovers, showing (for instance) that living with a cat lowers your blood pressure and cholesterol. (It’s good for your heart, and isn’t that what VD is all about?) But having pets is useful for traditional celebrators too, as a commenter reveals on Record Online (http://bit.ly/dw3Xcu). “Pets can be date magnets. Many singles who feel shy about approaching other people can interact easily with the object of their affection through his or her pet.”

Naturally, then, it was just a matter of time before Facebook got in on the act, with the Pet Society application (http://bit.ly/4r1cN) encouraging users to get their virtual pet to kiss their love interest’s pet as a romantic icebreaker. Is virtual heavy petting the next step? We'll know by this time next year.

[The author is a Delhi-based writer]