Human resources deployment

Nitin Gadkari has put the cat among the p...p…p… pigeons - and the p… p… p… policymakers are beaming. The p… p… p… prime minister has, in fact, created an entire ministry that will look at p… p… p… projects to cash in on the free, but useful, byproducts of human physiology. Gadkari says he uses his urine to water his p… p… p… plants, and he is not a quack horticulturist. Even Morarji Desai would have corroborated that the reject of the kidneys is replete with nitrogen and p… p… p… phosphorus. Scientists who have studied the liquid say that the more p… p… p… protein you eat, the more the nitrogen in the urine. Ask Vijay Mallya and he will tell you how important nitrogen is as p… p… p… plant food, having gained this knowledge during his years at Mangalore Fertilizers and Chemicals. This has raised a tiny p… p… p… problem, however. You need to ingest p… p… p… proteins to get p… p… p… plant-food quality urine, so a chief ministers' conclave is being called to ascertain whether the ban on beef is beneficial for the horticultural community.

The new ministry, which has been named the Ministry of Human Resources Deployment, has shortlisted two human metabolic products for immediately utilisation and global tenders have been floated.

The first is to use human sweat for the production of various raw materials required by industry. The prime minister's thrust on Make in India, it is presumed, will create a generation of hardworking, industrious Indians, who will sweat in buckets to put India right up there among manufacturing countries. Sweat is mainly water, but it has copious amounts of Vitamins C and B, urea and glucose. The ministry wants the sweat harvested and the useful compounds extracted as subsidised raw materials for the pharmaceutical, fertiliser and sugar sectors. It has asked companies to send their quotations for 50 crore units of rubberised body suits, designed for tropical weather that will collect the sweat even as the workforce wipes its brow Making in India. The body suits are to have cutting-edge gel inners to which the sweat will adsorb. The gel will then be taken to special factories recently set up in Varanasi where it will be treated to separate Vitamin B, Vitamin C, urea and glucose. Some micro and small units will process products other than these from the sweat of half of India's population. I have been given to understand that sweat-collecting body suits will also be kept at the studios where Arnab Goswami carries out his inquisitions, particularly if some vice-presidents are being interrogated.

The second free and abundant human yield that will be collected and employed for the Indian growth story is hot gas, or more precisely carbon dioxide present in hot gas. Carbon dioxide is the building block for plants. Scientists say that there is 390 ppm of CO2 in natural air. An additional 300 ppm of the gas greatly enhances cereal growth. With the prime minister looking at India as the food bowl of the world, the need for vast amounts of CO2 will be met by erecting chimneys that will filter the hot gas using a solvent. These chimneys, I understand, will be constructed, in Phase 1, at all places where the output of hot gases has been determined to be high, including all offices of political parties, and perhaps Parliament as well. Some individuals, among whom are Subramanian Swamy, Baba Ramdev and Sakshi Maharaj, have apparently applied to have non-industrial chimneys put up at their residences to process hot gas.

And for all those who think these schemes are bull, the new HRD minister has tweeted a one-word retort: "Krap".
Free Run is a fortnightly look at alternate realities joel.rai@bsmail.in