My first report card at school

Contrary to the great expectations that my parents had from me, my first report card at school wasn't anything to write home about. (The term "writing home" is called for because I had decided to run away from criticism and disappointment to the home of a kindly neighbour.)

Meticulously, those who judged me had enumerated my many shortcomings. "The student is uninterested in the actual work at hand and easily distracted," the report card read. "She prefers to play outside the class at all times rather than attend to her studies as she is expected to. In fact, it has been noticed that she sees her role as a ceremonial one and loves nothing more than to dress up, meet new people and visit new places, but is reluctant to stay at her desk." There was further deliberation on this point: "She is good at public speaking, excellent at show and tell and loves to make up stories to impress her classmates. Unfortunately, she is developing a habit of exaggeration and half truths to please her audiences."

The report wasn't too approving of my character traits either. "She is not a team player and, in fact, is intolerant of others' point of view when it does not agree with her own. What's worse is the fact that she's been observed to be a bully who picks on the weakest members around her, especially when they are not in a position to retaliate, while going out of her way to please the strongest who happen to be part of her inner circle." It summarised, "This makes her classmates regard her with suspicion and fear."

My prowess in academics was not much to go by either: I barely passed in geography and history, I was given a fail in maths ("nothing adds up," said the report's cryptic comment in red) and a D in moral science.

What saved the day was my performance at the school's socials and sports parades. "She loves to wear ceremonial colours, stand in front of the assembly, deliver speeches, hold the class flag, lead the march past and, in fact, be involved in anything that allows her to take centre stage." The commentary went on to add: "Unfortunately, it has been observed that this is all she likes to do and that she is not at all interested in the actual work that she has been put in school for."

That said, my elocutionary abilities were singled out for praise, the one saving grace. "Give her a platform and she loves to perform and can deliver good speeches of great inspiration. In fact, she is a born crowd pleaser and loves to play to the gallery. Unfortunately, it has been noticed that she is not above making promises that she has no intention of keeping only to win applause and prizes."

A braggart, a bully, a crowd pleasing opportunist? Someone who has little time for actual work but loves to cover herself with glory even while showing little talent or prowess at almost every subject in class? "Don't worry," said my doting father when I showed him the report card. "Cheer up. I know just the career for you when you grow up. Many have gone on to great success with exactly such a report card in their first year in office."

Malavika Sangghvi is a Mumbai-based writer
malavikasmumbai@gmail.com