The Great Indian Bandobast

Well, now that Maggi and mid-day meal eggs have been banned - temporarily most mothers are hoping - a friend was wondering if he should demand that beer also be put to the test and be banned forthwith. Apparently, not even six bottles are giving him a high these days and he suspects the alcohol in the brew might be contaminated. As another friend pointed out, the government of the day has ensured good 'bandobast' across the country, with at least one ban announced every month, sometimes of animal flesh, at other times of a faith-based movie and many times of anti-establishment remarks on social media. Finding that the adamantium frame of bandobast has replaced the steel frame of bureaucracy, I list my own demands here.

Ban the state governors: Okay, I know a few retired personalities are not going to like my proposal, but look at the logic. Aren't state governors appointed only once they are past their shelf life and unlikely to be useful anymore to the party, babudom or the forces? In other words, you are stressing out the ageing stalwarts in Raj Bhavans by getting them to fight the governments they are actually supposed to be advised by. Ultimately, this ends up making the burden heavier for the home ministry, the High Court and the Supreme Court. By banning governors, the government can save some pennies for the Consolidated Fund of India too and allow 32 superannuated elders to enjoy their twilight years peacefully as they deserve to. Let Kiren Rijiju handle the chief ministers in states where his party is not in power. He can chew a dozen of them and not even think of beef while doing it.

Ban the Metro: I know the construction of metro trains causes a lot of disruption - it adds to pollution by creating extra dust, not to mention tremors in high-rises, leads to traffic jams and costs public money. But that is not the reason why I am demanding that metros be banned. I want a stop to metro trains because they are against Bharatiya sanskar. Well, you see, first it was Delhi (Kolkata was an aberration, but then I guess it had the first-mover disadvantage), then Mumbai, followed by Bengaluru and now Jaipur that have all set up metro train networks earlier than or in the projected time frame. Imagine how many others will follow this example! Isn't Bharatiya sanskar all about conscientious procrastination? Can we callously let them jeopardise this hallowed culture? And what will happen to that clever remark about the Indian Standard Time?

Ban college degrees: Does it matter that you haven't actually gone beyond middle school? A college degree, in fact, leaves behind an incriminating paper trail. And see how many headaches it can cause! You can call Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi, Smriti Irani, why even Delhi's Jitender Tomar to testify against the useless document. Yeah, the more you think of it, the better it is to ban college degrees. Isn't the fact that you are able to minus and divide the various amounts of your wealth for the electoral affidavit enough to prove that you are well-educated in the ways of a politician?

Ban physical education in schools: Why bother about Surya Namaskar and other asanas when they give rise to so much verbal callisthenics? Why do you want the kids to crawl when all you want is for some parents to bow? I dare say, when the main aim is to promote inflexibility, yoga can actually turn your plan on its head. So ban PE, persist with Saraswati Vandana.

And in this era of terrorist violence, should we ban women prime ministers? On second thought, let it pass.

Free Run is a fortnightly look at alternate realities
joel.rai@bsmail.in