Things that count in life

A recent article in The Guardian about the top five regrets of dying people has attracted a lot of notice, especially on Facebook and other social networking sites. The subject is the findings of an Australian nurse, Bronnie Ware, who having spent most of her working life at the bedsides of the terminally ill, found herself in a pretty good position to author a book about what she learnt.

The Guardian article that writes about her findings begins with: “There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps.” A small rap on the knuckles for films like The Bucket List and what I call the Hollywood view of a full life.

The top five regrets in fact have little to do with missed opportunities for adventure sports or exercising ones libido but in fact are inward looking. And in order of their numerical significance are:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

What struck me when reading this list is contrary to what we are taught, how little success and material gains had to do with fulfilment. If there is any lesson to take home from Ware’s findings, it is that very few people thought happiness came from a bigger bank account, a swankier home or shinier car.

In fact, what made them long for their youth and health were the things they probably neglected when they had both: their feelings, their friends and their own dreams.

Underlining this point is the fact that Ware says that every man she encountered, without exception, as he lay dying, regretted working too hard at his job and thereby losing out on what he later realised were the truly important aspects in his life: his children and partner.

Interestingly, and unlike what most religions preach, altruism was not high on the list of people’s regrets. Not too many people said, “I wish I had helped more people or donated more or found a cure for cancer.” No, as people lay dying and had a chance to truly reveal what it was that they considered important in their lives, personal fulfilment and self-actualisation were the focus of their interest.

And inherent in their dying declarations there appears to be recognition that the obstacles in their path had been societal (I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me,) or self-created. (I wish that I had let myself be happier.)

Of course, this list must be taken with a pinch of salt: Ware nursed mostly white Caucasians in a developed country, and so those socio-cultural factors must be considered when reading her list.

Then again, a visit to her website reveals that Ware herself belongs to the schmaltzy Jonathan Livingstone Seagull school of thought, so her own biases must be factored in.

Be that as it may, the fact that her list elicited so much response demonstrates quite astonishingly, how in an age notorious for its shallowness and superficiality — enough people are vexed about deeper issues like how to make their lives more meaningful and fulfiling.

Malavika Sangghvi is a Mumbai-based writer malavikasangghvi@hotmail.com