Fashion show survival guide

This summer, the pickings were so lean - give or take a few weddings - that my wife and I greedily accepted invitations to that exquisite form of torture known as the fashion show. Now I know - though my wife disagrees - that these are intended to be business events, but end up being social occasions on a par with the opening rush of a Shah Rukh Khan blockbuster. There's a stampede for passes and reputations are built (and shredded) on the row you've been assigned. Having been away for a few years, I had forgotten how much this matters to the glitterati. But given the benefit of hindsight, I am glad to put together this guide for the uninitiated on what to expect from a fashion show.

Thou shalt be late: This is what it probably reads on the back of your card: "The show will begin at 9 p m sharp. Please be seated 20 minutes before the show." "That means 11 pm," explained my wife. Since I hate being late, we compromised and arrived at 9.30 instead, only to be squeezed and jostled by guests arriving to attend the previous show which was to have begun at 7.30 p m, for which we did not have passes. My wife pointed out the coffee shop, where we had a leisurely buffet, followed by coffee, and still turned up at the pre-function area with time to spare. The show started exactly on time, two hours late.

Thou shalt adhere to the dress code: Apparently, it's mandatory to wear clothes by the designer whose show you have come to attend. This calls for shopping ahead of the show from the designer's previous collection, which are rendered dated immediately after the show, having been replaced by the current collection. Socialites consider it worth the investment in the hope that they might be upgraded to the few seats that are kept empty in the front row for the benefit of loyal customers. Oh, it's bad form to dress in another designer's outfits, so if you can't get it right, don't get it wrong either. Neutral clothes off the shelf are okay for the back rows.

Thou shalt flout all rules: Smoking is prohibited in public places. It mentions this on the invitation cards. But an official who tried to prevent a prominent celebrity from lighting up by pointing out, "Sir, it's illegal to smoke here," had him retaliating thus: "Sir, your entire property is built on illegal land," which, whether true or not, seemed to be just the incentive for even more people to start smoking. As for mobile phones, which are "strictly not allowed", not only does nobody thankfully prevent you from carrying them in, almost everyone can be seen using them as cameras to capture the action on the catwalk.

Thou shalt not drink and watch: Pre-show cocktails are a myth. The bar is illusory. The waiters circulating amidst the throng seem only to be removing empty glasses. Yet everyone appears to be drinking thanks to a handy device called the hip flask. You might want to invest in one.

Thou shalt not crib about the length of the show: If you came on time, you probably waited two hours for it to begin. It took you an hour to get to the venue, it'll take you as long to get back. All for a 15 minute event? Hope you remembered to set the recording device on your television before your marathon little show, lol.