Kishore Singh: Look who's talking

On Monday, this is what my wife said to me, “We’ve been invited for a drink to my friend Sarla’s house so hurry up and get ready, but please remember that we’re not talking to her because she did not acknowledge that I’ve lost weight and dropped two dress sizes while she has put on weight.” “But if we’re not talking to her, what is the point of going there?” I asked. “You don’t understand anything, do you,” said my wife, “I will show our other friends there the pictures of my visit to London, which, I know, will upset her.”

On Tuesday, I said to my wife, “I have asked some of our neighbours over in the evening.” “Do they include Padma and her husband?” my wife wanted to know, and when I nodded, she added, “Please remember that we are not to talk to them because when I was showing them my London pictures, she said I was cheap to walk around everywhere instead of taking a taxi.” Fortunately, there were several other couples over, so it wasn’t too awkward that we did not include Sarla and Padma and their spouses in our discussions, and they ignored us altogether, even though it was my whisky to which they were generously helping themselves.

On Wednesday, Ratna invited us to dinner, but suggested we avoid talking to her friends Gopa and her husband because they were upset after learning from someone that my wife had called them social climbers – which was true – to which they’d apparently retorted that we were feudal pariahs – which wasn’t true, or at least the part about being the curs (or curse, Ratna wasn’t sure which) of society, which even I agreed was reason enough to scratch them off our conversation list.

Unfortunately, by Thursday we were no longer talking to Ratna and her husband because my wife had said Ratna shouldn’t even dream of serving a non-catered meal seeing how she had no idea how to plan a dinner. My wife said this to Lakshmi, who immediately repeated it to Ratna (and to Sarla and Padma, who in rare camaraderie, agreed with my wife, though it was a pity they couldn’t tell her so, since they had yet to patch up and start talking to each other), and when she called us all over for potluck, to show us how to lay dinner in a jiffy, Ratna sulked and stopped talking to her.

In fact, by Friday, it appeared no one was talking to anyone, even though we’d agreed to meet Chanda and her partner at the club. It was fortunate that everyone was talking to Chanda though, even if it was in turns, since everyone else pointedly ignored each other. It was strangely calm, and no one had a scrap, or got into a fight, but on our way home my wife received an SMS from Sarla saying it had been a pleasant enough afternoon, but what did Chanda think she was wearing? My wife agreed, and copied Ratna and Padma and Gopa and Lakshmi into her reply, at which point Ratna pointed out that if Chanda spent more time exercising and less time chatting with her personal trainer, she might lose some of her lard, and Gopa asked if anyone had noticed how Chanda’s roots were showing, and Padma pointed out that Chanda was a dominatrix who didn’t let her husband have even a second drink…

And now it appears that we’re all getting together to discuss who the hell Chanda thinks she is to stop speaking to us anyway.