Enema of the state

Airport security is more intrusive.

One of the more unpleasant stories sending all the talking heads into a tizzy was that of the Nigerian man who tried to smuggle a bomb into a US airliner in his underwear. Fortunately for all concerned, not least the perpetrator himself, the bomb failed to explode. It merely fizzled, doing some damage to the would-be martyr’s private bits, but at last account, still leaving him capable of passing on his revolutionary genes should he ever walk free again. Apparently, he’s the scion of a prominent banking family, and this has provided late night comedians with a windfall of Nigerian banker jokes. Despite his background in banking, the poor fellow clearly did not know that one does not ever mix bombs and family jewels. There, now I’ve done it too.

The authorities, as usual, have reacted in characteristic knee-jerk fashion. I’m convinced that the metaphorical knee on these nameless authorities exists only to be jerked, and therefore they jerk it every chance they get. Simply put, every airline passenger travelling to the land of the free gets a full pat down. I recently flew into San Francisco from Canada, and was told that no carry-on luggage would be allowed on any plane into the US. None. The only exceptions were essential medications and musical instruments. I can understand the former. Musical instruments, however? Does anyone really feel a burning desire to play the cello on a trans-Atlantic flight? Perhaps I’ve just been travelling with the wrong kind of people. In any event, I expect to see an increase in the popularity of classical music as would-be jihadis line up for violin lessons.

In Britain, which prides itself on having produced authors like Aldous Huxley and George Orwell, the authorities have gone that extra step in making those dark futuristic visions a reality by installing full body scanners at their major airports. Now you don’t have to worry about peeping toms, they’re all in uniform. If you’re not feeling all warm and fuzzy inside yet, don’t worry. The radiation will eventually get you there.

In California, there are beaches that are euphemistically referred to as “clothing-optional”. I think we’ve come to the point where every major international airport should be made clothing-optional. If they’re going to peep and paw at us anyway, I think we should have some fun along the way as well.

Ever since the shoe-bomber tried a similar stunt on an airliner, air travellers have been forced to take their shoes off and walk around in their socks on dirty carpets, while their footwear takes the high road through the X-ray machine. Now we have an underwear bomber, and full body scans to show for it. What next, I wonder? There’s only one logical place to go, and I shudder to think what kind of reaction that would produce from those tasked with protecting and serving us. Yes, you guessed right, we’re soon going to see state sponsored enemas. Remember, you heard it here first.

Papi Menon is a writer and technologist based in San Francisco