Monkeys of Shimla

I have seen the top of the mountain. And it is good. I was in the hills recently, but my mobile internet refused to climb up there. And without that, I had to actually use my imagination, which can be distressing for most.

I also noted how the hills are widely used by the tourism industry, but the telecommunications one still keeps to the plains, afraid the internet won't be able to do the climbing. Thus, the internet in mountains is mainly run by monkeys, who originate from Jakhoo (Shimla), then fan out across the hills.

Emails are typically typed in computers, which are then tossed from tree to tree by monkeys, till the final destination is reached. People upload and spread social media messages through monkeys, who climb up hills and flash thumbs-up, if someone 'likes' you; if someone doesn't, the monkey climbs up again, but this time, claws off your face.

However, the internet of monkeys is now in great danger of collapsing under the weight of computers swinging from the deodar trees, according to the local press. I am a little confused about the science, but basically I think it's full up - yes, not even enough room to swing a monkey from a deodar branch. So much so that even a breeze blows off the internet these days, setting off a stunned silence - and then monkey chatter - throughout the trees.

Thus, monkeys scream and shake to wake up the internet, and when all else fails, turn to ants feeding on hills, known as anthills, to power up the network. You can imagine how the ants start scurrying through the dark underground tunnels, carrying and delivering data packets which we know as the internet. But despite their best efforts to revive the internet, many people are found dead by the time they arrive, staring at download bars stuck at 99 per cent.

Under these circumstances, the ant chokes back its feelings, and carries on. Their patient, long-suffering nature has won much praise from internet addicts, who now want them to take over the internet on a regular basis, and not just in emergencies. It is already well-known that ants donate money to several charities and even spend time doing community service for public good, such as filling in for monkeys when the net goes down. They are also found frequently on computer desks, a clear indication of their interest in technology.

But the Monkey Internet Association dismisses all competition, saying it "alone exists to force and equip the human race to surf the internet, to reflect human truth and traditional monkey values". The primate body even takes credit for inventing the most basic form of social media: picking fleas off each others' backs. They do so because it is pleasurable, it causes the release of beta-endorphins, or natural opiates produced by the brain, resulting in relaxation.

This kind of social media helps build strong bonds among humans and monkeys alike, who can send "friendship requests" by choosing whom to groom.

Several hill-deprived countries, monkeys say, are forced to build this kind of internet, otherwise teenagers socialise without pulling lice off each other, whereas grooming holds down both their lice and their itch for socialising.

Hill-deprived countries have even replaced emoticons with facial expressions of monkeys, and where primates were once made to dance in streets, cats perform - what a downgrade from furry memes and funny captions!
ashish.sharma@bsmail.in