The choices we make

As a child growing up in India in the late 1970s and early 1980s, I have largely an uneasy relationship with choice. Choice in our time was limited and was usually restricted to stuff like colour or flavour. "Do you want chocolate or vanilla?" or "Do you want the white one or the red one?"

All too often, in the end, even that grand gesture was snatched out of your hands just as you were about to open your mouth and choose. "Actually, you will manage to get the white too dirty. We'll take the red please."

But today's kids are bombarded with choice and I, for one, don't envy them. The choices they face seem endless. Some of the easier ones: should we eat at McDonald's or Pizza Hut? Should we go for this movie or should we not? Do you want to watch television or play badminton (a no-brainer of course)? Do you want to play cricket or the Playstation (another no brainer)? Do you want to go skating or ice skating? All these are still relatively easier choices and ones that kids can make - although the constant pressure does get to them. I have often heard a child say that he didn't care either way or that he wanted to do neither when pestered too much.

All too often, parents tend to yo-yo between asking children as young as 7-8 to take decisions way beyond their years and making all of life's decisions for them - be it the choice of career or marriage.

Recently, I was with a friend and she asked her daughter whether she was sure she wanted to stay the night at a friend's house, especially since her friend's mother was travelling. How can a child of eight possibly assess the situation and decide? She is too young to understand the possible implications and assess the consequences.

Then, another friend - who is very unhappy with her son's school - insists that she can't change his school, despite her own daily ranting against it, since he is happy and "it's his choice". How can she, as a parent, take such a big decision for him? What if he is unhappy with her choice?

Even more surprising was the reaction of a friend with a 14-year-old who wanted her daughter (a UK passport-holder) to decide whether she wanted to continue with her CBSE board or move to an international board. She said since the girl needs to adjust to the change and perform, she should take the decision. Despite her being 14 and a pretty smart teenager at that, in my view, it was too much to ask of her.

When I argued that such a big decision was beyond her understanding and that she (the mother), as a parent, needed to take the call - children adapt; it's the adults who have a bigger problem dealing with change - she refused to relent. She said she didn't think it was right for her to take such a decision on the girl's behalf and that she was old enough to decide.

Choices are a fundamental part of our lives - something we have to deal with no matter what we do. So, it is a good idea to let your children make choices and learn to make them quite early. It helps them think for themselves, makes them more confident; they learn to trust themselves and become responsible for their own lives. Although, even with small choices, some limit to the options before them is a good idea - it puts less stress on the child.

Life presents big and small choices and while you can allow children to make the latter, some guidance in making big choices is not just desirable but essential. As a parent, it's our duty to help take some of the bigger decisions - ideally in consultation - on their behalf even if it is they who deal with the consequences. There is a difference in choosing between ice cream flavours and the choice of schooling, education, the friends we make and the company we keep.

But there is a very fine line between allowing children to take small decisions and insisting on them taking all big decisions for themselves. In a world full of choices, it's a thin line we as parents have no choice but to tread on.

anjuli.bhargava@gmail.com