Thugs of Hindostan: A majestic ship without sail, drowning in own follies

Aamir Khan as Firangi Mallah did better in Thugs of Hindostan than he did in Dhoom 3. Writer-director Vijay Krishna Acharya did not. Amitabh Bachchan as Khudabaksh Jahaazi is all broody, grey-haired and virtuous — straight out of Shehenshah. Katrina Kaif as Suraiya is all about song and dance, and abs. Fatima Sana Shaikh as Zafira is mostly flying around. It’s the combined weight of these actors that has the audience flocking to theatres for an Indian version of the mystical Pirates of the Caribbean — which it is not. It’s headless, though, without a proper script and with haphazard editing. It’s a record-breaking blockbuster that is unlikely to win even mentions on award nights.

Long story short — paradoxical to how the film has been written — it’s a bunch of pirates led by Khudabaksh, aka Azad, taking on the East Indian Company sometime in 1795. The plot, riddled with twists and turns (not really), shifts at the whims of Firangi, a comic con devoid of all integrity. Khan here shoulders a lot of responsibility — he’s the hero, the anti-hero and the comic relief. It’s almost like things were going awry and he took over. 

If it weren’t for his ingenious ability to deliver the most banal punches with the confidence of a seasoned stand-up, the film could have sunk into the deep gorge of Bollywood memories where the likes of Drona are buried. Mohammed Zeeshan Ayyub as Firangi’s sidekick, the lisping, superstitious Shanichar, is as spectacular as he was in Raanjhanaa or Tanu Weds Manu Returns. He is a serious actor who has a special talent for extracting laughs from his audience.

Bachchan does what he does best. He keeps the emotional quotient of the film brimming with his heavy-duty dialogues delivered with absolute conviction. Sheikh, on the other hand, who was last seen as Geeta Phogat in Dangal, is not seasoned enough to pull off frivolous characterisation. She is sincere as Zafira, a swift archer looking for revenge. But there’s no depth to her tragic story. And she takes off on flying ropes more times than she can land.

That brings me to the visual effects that the action-adventure film so heavily banks on. It looks like the film, for most part, was imagined, conceptualised and executed on a computer. The blood and sweat of those animators, who put together a considerable portion of this nearly three-hour-long film, is not entirely wasted. Some of the swashbuckling action scenes are backed by good special effects. They are not realistic but passable by Bollywood standards. The bigger follies lie  elsewhere.

A few scenes feel like the director didn’t say “cut” in time and the actors are improvising. Blame lazy editing. The interval climax is where the film could have easily ended. The subplot of Firangi's deceits, thereafter, only works to repeat itself. The background score by John Stewart Eduri changes tones too many times and too often. The song, “Suraiya”, where Kaif gets her screen time, is far from melodious and the lyrics are pointedly unfunny — a complete waste of time that adds neither to the plot nor to entertainment.

You can’t hope to accurately place "Hindostan" on the map, or try to understand why Muslim characters are going gaga about Hindu festivals like Dussehra, or why Englishmen are talking in fluent Hindi even amongst themselves. It’s established right from the start that research and the script are not the film’s strong suits. But what is unforgivable is that the film refuses to end.

Of course, the battle is won. In an utterly predictable film, it’s not even a soft spoiler. But the most frustrating part is that the director refuses to call it a wrap even after. He had to throw in Khan, Ayyub and Kaif and force people to leave on a happy note, or just walk out. If you have finished a tub of popcorn twice over, it’s advisable to choose the latter.