Congratulations, India and Pakistan! We both won-lost the war-not-war

The official statements were clear as mud, but I figured out the technical terms

Amid legions of pooping pigeons and screeching parrots outside my window, there are now a couple of doves. They’re heavily outnumbered, and they probably endure taunts about being treacherous mammals who should just go to the other branch of the evolutionary tree, but they’re staying put. The whole thing is exactly like post-Pulwama Twitter, but with more attractive poop. 

It’s been a surreal few days. 

As you know, a couple of weeks ago the Pakistan-based Jaish-e-Mohammad terrorist group struck a convoy of CRPF soldiers in Pulwama, killing 40-odd personnel and most of our national reserves of rationality. 
 

This Tuesday we woke up to find that the Indian Air Force had struck back at a JeM training camp in Balakot. A few discrepancies emerged: India said that it had swooped into Pakistani territory, destroyed 300 bad guys, and swooped on home before the clueless Pakistan Air Force had even put on its shoes. Pakistan said that its lightning-fast defence had given the IAF such a fright that they’d misfired and run off, leaving a wake of charred trees and one martyred crow. 

Nevertheless the Pakistan Air Force struck back-back, crossing the LoC on Wednesday and dropping a few bombs. Naturally India struck back-back-back, shooting down a Pakistani F16 fighter jet and chasing the PAF back across the LoC, at which point Pakistan struck back-back-back-back, shooting down an IAF MiG-21 and capturing the pilot, Wing Commander Abhinandan Varthaman.

The official statements were clear as mud: India’s Foreign Secretary said that the Indian strikes were a “non-military pre-emptive action”, and Pakistan’s Foreign Ministry spokesperson said that the Pakistani strikes were “not a retaliation to continued Indian belligerence.” I’m not an expert, but I think that these are technical terms for “sipping coffee across a table while kicking each other’s shins under it”.

By then the world was making soothing statements about restraint (except for Donald Trump, who made a soothing word salad) and on Thursday, Pakistan pipped India to the statesmanly post by announcing that they were sending WC Varthaman home on Friday, though they failed to promise to shut down the JeM. Mr Modi, meanwhile, has been too busy launching apps and making campaign speeches to address the nation on Indo-Pak relations, though he did let slip something menacing and tasteless about a “pilot project,” which was “practice”, before the “real thing” begins. 

I do hope that India and Pakistan will de-escalate. De-escalation is the technical term for “continuing to give each other the finger across the table while starting to play footsie under it”. 

Our armed forces are heroic, but one must also acknowledge the hard work of our most enthusiastic fighters—those who unquestioningly obey orders to charge into the maw of the studio day after day, to fire a hail of unhinged jingoism and selflessly demand that someone else spill some blood for the country. It takes special courage to make the ultimate journalistic sacrifice of credibility and self-respect, right there on national television, so I’d like to honour their service with a rousing three jeers. 

Countless other anonymous units have also battled tirelessly and without regard for the safety of their fingertips, spreading fake post after fake post, heavily illustrated with fake photos and fake videos, to get the nation’s blood up. A few might end up temporarily locked out of their virtual lives, but their contribution to the election effort will not be forgotten. Perhaps it’s time for a monument dedicated to the Unknown Social Media Warrior. 

We could all use some good juju, so have a grand weekend. And to the doves outside my window, you are not alone.