The Hacker Barbie

Last night, I dreamt I was at the cybercops conference again. And the members were all seated with their eyes downcast. As I took my seat, a valet silently came and deposited a pistol in front of me. There was an identical pistol, in front of every member. The chairman cleared his throat. 'Gentlemen,' he said, 'We have lost our final battle. We can no longer keep hackers in check. And therefore, the only honourable way out is placed before each of you. There is a single round in the chambers. The lucky few will go straight to cyberheaven. The unlucky "" they are doomed to spend the rest of their lives in a world of hackers.'

I woke up in a cold sweat. The nightmare was so vivid. But what had brought it on? Must be the press clipping that my secretary had handed me just as I was leaving office. It had started innocuously enough...

(LA, California). Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, theHacker Barbie. These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's In a Nutshell series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional.)

The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as, What's you're Internet address?, I like TCP/IP!, Bummer! Your kernel must have gotten trashed, Can't you +grep+ that file?, and DEC's Alpha AXP is awesome!

We are very excited about this product, said Ken Olsen, Marketing Executive, and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie. (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, Math is hard, with a condescending companion Ken.) The Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent management consultant who frequently asks her for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that women are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses. Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days, says Mrs. Mary Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, and now she pays my credit card bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just don't wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama. Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!! will serve as an introduction to expository writing.

(Anonymous posting on the Net. If anyone knows who actually wrote this tidbit, please let us know.)