Devangshu Datta: Making functional disorders work

WORM'S EYE VIEW

In some circles, it is said that irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) was the making of a certain well-known politician, who ended up renowned for his efficiency and his ability to take decisions on the fly.

IBS is a rather embarrassing affliction. But it inspired this "leader" to adopt a dynamic operating style.

If it hadn't been for his fear of being caught short, this gent would never have got ahead in life to the extent he did. He cleared files in a hurry; he made fast policy decisions and rapidly concluded briefings.

When on campaign out in the boondocks, he proved himself a true son of the soil and endeared himself to the electorate by using the local sanitation facilities.

IBS is a prime example of what can be termed a strategically-useful disease; a minor ailment or chronic condition that doesn't constitute a serious threat to health while actively contributing to the "victim's" operational efficiency. It is not the only strategically useful disease by any means.

IBS is an ideal disease for a CEO to cultivate. An actual affliction is optional "" but it can always be invoked as a convenient method of speeding up interactions with underlings.

Anytime a management discussion flags, or a performance review heads towards ennui, the CEO can grimace and make strangled noises indicating an urgent need to be elsewhere.

This should motivate his employees to speed up the delivery of information.

Among other useful strategic diseases, insomnia is perhaps the most obvious. Napoleon built his empire around his sleep-deprivation, working 24-hour days on a normal basis.

He wore out his aides and generals by his ability to wage war 24x7 even as his rivals across Europe snored.

Deafness, preferably deafness in just one ear, can be very useful in both socially awkward situations and also in complex business negotiations.

It enables you to "hear what you want to hear and disregard the rest". Among other disabilities, Admiral Nelson, of course, famously exploited the loss of one eye to selectively ignore orders.

Piles can also be a performance-enhancing disease. Consider the case of a door-to-door salesperson or a field operative such as a plumber or an electrician.

Since piles do not allow the victim to sit in comfort, it would be an inducement for salespeople to get out and sell, sell, sell.

Being successful in business can also require a peculiar mix of personality traits. An ability to get on with people and to inspire trust and loyalty must be combined with paranoia about the actions of business rivals and even subordinates.

An ability to be charming to clients and patrons must be combined with an ability to inspire terror in flunkies.

Megalomania might also be a powerful motivational driver. And, above all, it is useful to possess flexible moral values. In fact, an extremely successful businessperson must be a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde, judiciously combining some personality traits that are generally seen as positive with some that are generally viewed as anti-social.

Other professions also have clear connections to personality disorders.

Lawyers suffer from constipation. Artists and writers have manic-depressive tendencies, recharging their batteries during the downtimes and working hard during the upbeat moments.

In the IT industry, Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism, is very common.

"Asperber" victims tend to combine social ineptness with an enhanced ability to understand rule-based abstractions. The wonders of modern medicine and psychoanalysis offer new insights into the roots of personality disorders and diseases.

A combination of chemical imbalances and dysfunctional parent-child relationships are generally responsible for weird personality traits.

In our brave new world, paranoia, megalomania, insomnia, manic-depression and even irritable bowel syndrome can be induced through a combination of medication and maltreatment.

I wonder why the motivational gurus and management scientists are not filling this gap in the market.

After all, there is bound to be an overwhelmingly positive response if somebody offers a course that inducts normal, perfectly ordinary, well-adjusted people and transforms them into highly efficient, superbly-motivated CEOs in a camp where they learn to develop controlled paranoia and carry ample supplies of toilet-paper.