Why do you go blank in arguments? Understanding trauma-related memory loss

Ever gone blank in an argument with your partner or at work? Struggled to recall details mid-fight? Experts explain how stress and trauma affect memory, and how to cope with it

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Imagine you’re in the middle of a fight with your partner. They say, “Tell me one instance when I did this.” You know it has happened before, but suddenly your mind goes blank. No examples come to you in that heated moment, and only later, when the dust has settled, do the memories rush back. Why does this happen? And is it just forgetfulness, or something deeper?

 

According to Dr Meenakshi Jain, senior consultant, psychiatry, Amrita Hospital, Faridabad, when stress kicks in, your brain shifts into fight-or-flight mode to focus on survival during that time, which disrupts memory.

What happens in the brain when you suddenly 'go blank' during stress?

Dr Jain explained that the brain's amygdala, which is the threat detector, goes into overdrive, releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These chemicals disrupt the hippocampus, which is the memory organiser.

 

“That’s why, in the middle of a confrontation, people often can’t recall details they otherwise know well. Once the stress passes, the memory usually returns,” she said.

 

Dr Jain further explained that dissociation and stress hormones are also at play during stressful situations. "Dissociation is the brain’s way of mentally “stepping out” of a stressful moment. But it also interrupts memory formation. This results in fragmented or missing memories," she said.

How is trauma-related memory loss different from ordinary forgetfulness?

Forgetting where you kept your keys is one thing. Forgetting parts of a heated argument is another. “Everyday forgetfulness happens when you are distracted or tired,” said Dr Jain. “But trauma-related memory gaps are the brain’s way of protecting itself. It temporarily blocks or fragments memories to prevent you from being overwhelmed.”

Why do emotionally charged memories feel fragmented or incomplete?

Traumatic or highly emotional events don’t always get stored as a clear story. Instead, your brain may save bits and pieces, like an image, a sound, or even a bodily sensation. “That happens because the hippocampus is disrupted while the amygdala is hyperactive,” Dr Jain explained. “Later, these fragments may resurface only when you feel safe enough.”

Can everyday arguments also trigger memory blocking?

Yes. Even if a fight with your partner or boss is not life-threatening, your brain may react as if it is. “An argument can trigger the same stress response, especially in people with past trauma,” said Dr Jain. That’s why you may feel blank in the moment, but remember details once your body calms down.

 

Many partners mistake this for avoidance or dishonesty, but Dr Jain reassured it is usually genuine. “People often feel embarrassed or frustrated when they can’t recall things in a fight. It’s a brain response, not a deliberate tactic. Accusing them of lying can actually increase conflict and shame,” she said.

How does this affect close relationships?

Memory gaps can create mistrust. One partner feels unheard, while the other feels guilty or ashamed. “If misunderstood, it can weaken communication and intimacy,” warned Dr Jain. “People often worry that something is ‘wrong’ with them, when really, it is just how the brain reacts under stress.”

What kinds of trauma-related amnesia exist in relationships?

• Localised amnesia: Forgetting a specific time period
• Selective amnesia: Remembering parts of an event but not others (the most common in relationships)
• Generalised amnesia: Rare, involving widespread memory loss

How can you improve recall during or after stress?

According to Dr Jain, grounding techniques can help. Try:

• Taking deep breaths
• Noticing the feeling of your feet on the floor
• Naming objects around you

“These signal safety to the brain,” Dr Jain said. “Later, journaling can help piece together details. Over time, mindfulness and relaxation exercises can strengthen memory recall even during stressful moments.”

How can partners respond more empathetically?

Instead of pressing for immediate answers, create space. A supportive response might be: “I can see this feels overwhelming. Let’s take a break and revisit it later.”

 

“Empathy reduces defensiveness,” said Dr Jain. “It also builds trust and allows memories to return naturally.”

When should you seek professional help?

If memory gaps are frequent, cause relationship issues, or link to unresolved trauma, it’s time to consult a psychiatrist. Therapies like Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), trauma-focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or somatic work can help integrate fragmented memories.

 

 “With the right support, people can rebuild a healthier relationship with their mind and their loved ones,” Dr Jain added. 

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