Fought with a loved one? Here's how to reconnect and rebuild trust

Arguments can leave you drained, but fights don't have to break a bond. Experts share how to calm your brain, avoid defensive talk, and rebuild trust without making things worse

We have all had fights that have left us rattled long after the words were spoken. Sitting at our desk, pretending to focus on work, but our mind keeps replaying the arguments and the tone. But the silence feels heavier than the argument itself, and one wonders how people who care about each other actually bounce back. Experts say it is less about winning the fight and more about learning the right way to reconnect, because fights, big or small, are part of every relationship.  So how do you hit the reset button and reconnect without making things worse? We asked mental health experts for answers.

What happens in your brain and body during an argument?

Think of your brain like an alarm system. During a heated argument, the amygdala, the emotional fire alarm, goes off, says Sushmita Upadhaya, Clinical Psychologist at Lissun, an online mental health startup. This triggers stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which spike your heart rate, raise blood pressure, and shut down your prefrontal cortex (the rational-thinking part of the brain).

 

That is why, in the middle of a fight, listening calmly or making logical decisions suddenly feels impossible.

 

As counselling psychologist Anwesha Bhattacharya explains, “Our sympathetic nervous system kicks in—fight, flight, or freeze. This does not just affect your thoughts, but also your immunity, digestion, and even heart health in the long run if conflicts are frequent.”

Why do small issues sometimes lead to big blow-ups?

It is not always about the messy room or the forgotten text. Experts say fights escalate when old, unresolved emotions pile up. “It is often less about the trigger itself and more about the emotions hiding underneath. A small disagreement often triggers past hurts,” says Upadhaya.

 

Bhattacharya adds, “Many people try to ‘move on’ without addressing smaller disagreements. But the brain stores those emotional memories. The next fight then becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back.”

Should you talk it out right away or cool off first?

We all know that one person who wants to fix things right now and another who says, “I need space.” Both are valid.

 

“Taking a short break is important, but do not confuse space with avoidance,” says Upadhaya. According to her, signs you are ready to talk include:

• You feel calmer
• You genuinely want to listen
• You are not exhausted or stressed

Bhattacharya suggests couples and friends set ground rules outside of fights: “Some agree on a 20-minute cool-off. That way, one person gets space, but the other doesn’t feel abandoned.”

What are the most common mistakes when apologising?

We have all heard (or given) the dreaded non-apology apology: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Experts say that does not help.

 

“Over-apologising, blaming others, or making excuses only adds fuel to the fire,” warns Upadhaya. Bhattacharya agrees: “The focus should be the relationship, not just proving who is right.”

How do you express hurt without making the other person defensive?

“Switch from ‘You’ to ‘I’,” both experts say.

 

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I felt hurt when I wasn’t heard yesterday.”

 

“‘I-statements’ reduce blame and make space for the other person to hear you,” says Upadhaya.

 

Then comes active listening, one of the most underrated skills. “It is about giving full attention, reflecting back what you heard, and validating emotions,” says Bhattacharya. “Think of it as: it is not me vs you, but us vs the problem.”

What actually repairs a relationship after conflict?

A hug can help. “Physical affection releases feel-good hormones and re-establishes safety,” says Upadhaya.

 

But Bhattacharya cautions: “Not everyone processes touch the same way, especially right after a fight. Some may prefer space first. The key is to know your partner’s comfort zone.”

 

Experts recommend the “relationship repair checklist” by psychologist John Gottman. It includes humour, physical affection, and gentle repair phrases like:

• “Can I take that back?”
• “Let me try again”
• “That felt like an insult”
• “Tell me what you hear me saying”
• “Let’s start all over again”

How do you rebuild trust after hurtful words or crossed boundaries?

Trust doesn’t bounce back overnight. It is a slow rebuild.

 

“Consistency is key,” says Upadhaya. The person who caused harm must own up fully, apologise sincerely, and show change through small, everyday actions.

 

Bhattacharya adds, “People in a relationship need to agree on what is acceptable and what is not. Counselling can help if trust feels too broken to repair alone.”

What can help you calm down before reaching out?

Before picking up the phone or typing that long text, pause.

Experts suggest:

• Deep breathing or mindfulness
• Reframing thoughts (“Maybe they didn’t realise how this affected me”)
• Calming self-talk: “It’s okay to feel upset. I can handle this.”
• Short breaks: walking, splashing water, or journaling

“These micro-actions build emotional space so you can approach reconciliation without being reactive,” says Upadhaya.

Why empathy is the secret ingredient in healing conflict

“Step into the other person’s shoes,” says Upadhaya. “Ask: how did you experience this moment?”

 

Bhattacharya adds, “Empathy is a skill. The more you practise curiosity without judgment, the easier it gets. Ask yourself: if I were them, how would I feel?”

When is fighting no longer healthy—and a red flag?

Arguments are natural, but repeated toxic patterns are not.

 

According to Upadhaya, it becomes a red flag when couples start:

• Skipping meals together
• Avoiding conversations
• Using verbal abuse
• Feeling perpetually unheard

Bhattacharya warns, “If fights become about attacking each other instead of solving problems, it signals deeper issues.”

Fights don’t end love, they reveal the work love needs: Experts

Both experts stress fights are not the end of love; they are opportunities to grow.

 

The next time you find yourself replaying an argument at your desk, remember:

• Cool off, but don’t avoid
• Apologise sincerely, not defensively
• Listen more than you speak
• And yes, sometimes a hug really does help

Because at the end of the day, it is not about winning the fight—it is about winning back each other. 

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This content is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice.