“There’s a particular kind of relationship that doesn’t just break your heart, it hijacks your nervous system. You know something is wrong. Friends can see it. Logic agrees. And yet, leaving feels harder than staying,” says Dr Astik Joshi, psychiatrist at Fortis Healthcare, Delhi.
This is because of trauma bonding, a survival-driven attachment where fear, relief and hope get wired together so tightly that walking away can feel more frightening than enduring the pain. According to Dr Joshi, for many, the roots of this pattern lie not just in the present relationship, but in unresolved wounds carried quietly from the past.
Dr Gorav Gupta, senior psychiatrist and CEO, Tulasi Healthcare, Gurugram, adds, “Trauma bonding isn’t just a bad relationship with a dramatic label. It is a relationship pattern in which one person systematically exploits another through isolation, manipulation, fear and control, and the bond is reinforced by both psychological and biological mechanisms.”
The experts explain that unlike attachment issues or codependency, trauma bonding involves active exploitation and variable reinforcement. “The person exerting control often uses intermittent reward such as affection, reassurance or relief, followed by threat, withdrawal or fear. This keeps the trauma ongoing and the bond intact,” says Dr Gupta.
The result is a loop where the exploited individual feels increasingly unable to reverse the pattern, not because they don’t want to, but because their brain and nervous system have been conditioned into survival mode.
Why childhood wounds increase vulnerability to trauma bonds later in life
Early-life emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving or childhood trauma does not just leave emotional scars, it shapes how the brain learns what closeness feels like.
When care in childhood is unpredictable, the developing brain may begin to associate love with anxiety, uncertainty or emotional volatility. As adults, such relationships can feel oddly familiar, even comforting, because the nervous system recognises them.
As Dr Gupta points out, people do not choose trauma bonds; they often recreate relational patterns that feel emotionally recognisable, even when they are harmful.
What happens in the brain during a trauma bond and why it feels addictive
Neurobiologically, trauma bonding closely resembles addiction. Periods of fear, threat or emotional pain activate stress hormones. When reconciliation or affection follows, dopamine and oxytocin surge, creating intense relief. Over time, the brain learns that the same person causing distress is also the source of relief.
Dr Joshi describes this as an addiction to trauma itself. The neural pathways linked to fear, validation and self-destructive coping become reinforced, forming a closed loop that is extremely difficult to break, especially without intervention.
This is why leaving can feel like withdrawal: anxiety spikes, emotional pain intensifies and the urge to return feels overwhelming.
Why cycles of harm and affection strengthen trauma bonds
Intermittent reinforcement is one of the strongest behavioural conditioning tools known, more powerful than consistent reward or consistent punishment.
The brain becomes hyper-focused on the next moment of relief, much like gambling or substance addiction. This makes the question “Why don’t they just leave?” not only insensitive, but scientifically ill-informed.
Leaving threatens the nervous system’s learned survival strategy, even when staying causes harm.
How unresolved trauma distorts ideas of love, safety and intimacy
Unresolved trauma can quietly rewrite a person’s belief system.
According to Dr Joshi, individuals in trauma bonds may come to believe that the person harming them is right, while they themselves are at fault. Low self-esteem, shame and guilt deepen this distortion.
Intensity is mistaken for intimacy. Control feels like care. Volatility feels like passion. Meanwhile, calm and stable relationships may feel emotionally flat or unfamiliar.
This is not a moral failure, it is trauma-driven cognition at work.
Signs unresolved trauma is shaping present-day choices
Trauma bonding does not only affect those who appear visibly vulnerable. High-functioning individuals may still show subtle signs: fear of confrontation,
difficulty asserting boundaries, emotional numbing, chronic anxiety, sadness or unexplained social withdrawal. Shame often keeps the trauma hidden, even from close friends.
Outward success can mask an internal nervous system that is still operating in survival mode.
Why trauma bonding is often misdiagnosed as anxiety or depression
Clinically, trauma bonding is frequently minimised or mislabelled as
anxiety, depression or poor decision-making, especially in people who appear capable and accomplished.
Dr Gupta warns that when clinicians treat only surface symptoms without addressing underlying attachment trauma, recovery remains incomplete. The trauma bond itself continues to shape behaviour, even if mood symptoms improve temporarily.
How trauma bonds can be healed
Healing trauma bonds requires trauma-informed care, stress both experts. Recognising and naming the bond helps create distance between the individual and the emotional pull of the relationship.
Evidence-based treatment focuses on regulating the nervous system, processing early attachment wounds and dismantling trauma–reward cycles. In cases where post-traumatic stress disorder is present, medical, psychological and social interventions may all be necessary, including separation from the trauma bond.
Post-traumatic stress disorder is a
formal medical diagnosis, and qualified psychiatrists are trained to provide gold-standard care across age groups.
What real recovery looks like
“Recovery isn’t linear, and it isn’t quick,” says Dr Gupta.
Dr Joshi compares healing from a trauma bond to healing from a physical injury. There may be moments of wanting to return, cravings for validation or emotional regression. That does not mean failure.
True healing shows up in quieter ways: healthier relationship choices, improved emotional regulation, restored self-trust and the ability to experience safety and consistency as emotionally fulfilling, not boring.
According to both experts, trauma bonding lives at the intersection of biology, psychology and lived experience, and healing allows the experience to become knowledge, not a place one would want to revisit.
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