Flight of fantasy on Air India

'Three suggestions' on how to get on with fixing this mess

Minutes of a Meeting on June 18 :

Bird brain : No one wants to marry our beautiful daughter. What a bunch of fools!
Pea brain : I know, real idiots. But you know what, let’s just put it off.
Bird brain : Yes, let’s invest another Rs 60 billion to beautify her. That may attract someone.
Pea brain : What a great idea! But won’t she look as pretty as she does now even a year or two later ? Plastic surgery will help but even surgeons have their limitations.
Bird brain : True, but look at the flip side. At least 20,000 bridesmaids will be happy with the postponement and may just vote for us.
Pea Brain: 20,000 could be make or break! Let’s shake on it!
 
I imagine the meeting two days ago (June 18) to decide the fate of national carrier Air India went something like this.
 
What is it with the Indian politicians of late? They appear to be making less and less sense. A second bunch — readers may be aware — landed up in hospital dehydrated. They were fasting in 42 degrees outside someone’s house! God help us all.
 
Anyway, let’s ignore this lot for a bit. I am addressing Mr Pea Brain and Mr Bird Brain for now. I say desperate situations call for desperate measures. I have three outlandish suggestions on how to get on with fixing this mess. Let me state here that this is entirely in self-interest. I am just sick and tired of writing about this topic!
 
Suggestion number one is to offer the hand in marriage to the recently evicted CEO of IndiGo airlines. I know some people may contest the word evicted but I have my reasons that shall remain known only to me. Aditya Ghosh ran IndiGo efficiently and quite successfully for 10 years. It is India’s largest private airline and it makes money. Sceptics, rivals and doubting Thomas claim he happened to be at the right place at the right time and that’s how he did what he did. But hey, here’s the chance to find out. Hire him, convince him, badger him but put him on the job. Let him rescue this sinking ship and prove his sceptics wrong.

 
Suggestion number two is to dump it in the lap of our very own desi Superman. In end 2014 when Ajay Singh took charge of SpiceJet, it was one day away from closure. Today, the fleet has grown, salaries are being paid on time, routes have been added, the aircraft are full and the balance sheet is no longer in the red. Sceptics, rivals and doubting Thomas again argue that Singh happened to be in the right place at the right time — low oil prices, a cooperative government and just some basic common sense that his predecessor lacked. In January 2017, Ray Conner, Boeing Aircraft Company’s vice chairman, on a visit to India congratulated Singh on scripting a turnaround that would go down in history. So here’s his chance to prove his sceptics wrong and do some national service in the bargain. The government should appeal to his sense of duty as a responsible and concerned citizen and ask him to come forward. Take it on for Rs 2. Divine justice of sorts for Kalanithi Maran, from whom he bought SpiceJet for Rs 2!

 
For either of my two mad ideas to work, Pinocchio (read the government) and his nose has to be kept in strict check. Let them, for instance, fire the top 50 or 100 people in the airline if need be. Let them untangle the schizophrenic khichdi of airplanes that constitute the airline’s fleet. Remove all debt from the books as a one-time write off except aircraft purchase related. Let routes, salaries, staff, perks (free tickets extend — to former employees and their relatives — both in this world and in the netherworld!) all be rationalised and dealt with as any private manager would do. I’m not getting into the details of the arrangement: Put a consultant on the job!
 
My third suggestion is simple. Spare us all the agony and shut shop. Apply that bankruptcy code you brought in and keep gloating over to yourself. Declare it terminally sick, bankrupt or whatever term makes you happy.
 
And let me come back with suggestions on how to spend the Rs 60 billion we save.