Notes on Being a Man: Scott Galloway maps men's path in new territory

As traditional ideas of what it means to be a man, and a desirable one at that, are being questioned, NYU's Scott Galloway offers a helpful guide for men to navigate this new territory

Notes on Being a Man

by Scott Galloway

Published by Simon & Schuster

304 pages ₹799

  If you are a man of today out on a date with a woman, should you pay for the meal, let her do it, or split the amount? Is the very idea of chivalry sexist? Does a man become less attractive if he takes pride in communicating that he will take care of financial matters?

 

These are genuine questions for men looking for prospective partners because older scripts of what it means to be a man, and a desirable one at that, are being questioned and tweaked. The simple act of getting to know someone can feel complicated due to the voices in your head.

 

In a new book called Notes on Being a Man,  Scott Galloway, a professor of marketing at New York University’s Stern School of Business, writes, “Women may be killing it at work and in higher education, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that men still have more economic opportunity and that the gender pay gap exists. So, men, pay for women if you can.” He believes that a man’s “protective instinct should kick in” even if a woman out-earns him.

 

This advice might sound horribly patronising, or old-fashioned but true, depending on your beliefs but the most rewarding way to read this book is not to accept or reject everything that the author says. It is helpful instead to stay with what he proposes, and take what seems useful.

 

Statistics that appear later in the book build a more complex picture. “Today, women are the primary breadwinners in 41 per cent of US households and the percentage of women who outearn their husbands has tripled in the past 50 years,” he notes. These numbers, however, do not capture the reality that women who work outside the house are often expected to also cook, take kids to the doctor, attend school meetings, and stock up on house supplies. Professor Galloway points out that, when men do these things, they see them as favours for which they deserve praise. It is easy to see how the author’s advice in the dating context is linked to his broader idea that men must always create “surplus value”, meaning they must give more than they take, and his view of masculinity as a “three-legged stool”. According to him, the answer to the questions “Why are men here?” and “What do men do?” is: “Men protect, provide and procreate.”

 

If this statement is triggering, you might want to read his interpretation of these terms before rejecting him outright. Protecting, for instance, does not mean restricting women’s mobility or policing their attire. “Real men don’t start bar fights; they break them up. They don’t shit-post other people or their country; they defend both,” he writes. This vision of masculinity is rooted in qualities like emotional maturity and psychological resilience rather than physical prowess.

 

The book stands out for rubbishing the idea that expressing vulnerability is a sign of weakness, and asserting that most men are “hungry for connection”, and embarrassed that “women are (mostly) easier to talk to than their close male friends, whom they really want deeper relationships with.” He encourages men to talk about joys and sorrows, maintain old friendships and initiate new ones without overthinking, and seek help for addiction to porn or alcohol.

 

The author’s insights come from his experiences as an American “white, heterosexual male”, and he acknowledges repeatedly that life is different for men who are gay, not American, and people of colour. His refusal to speak for or preach to them seems like a mark of intellectual humility. Professor Galloway is open about the ups and downs in his parenting journey, from being frustrated and bored initially to enjoying the familiar rhythm of an utterly predictable weekend. Having seen how much his mother suffered in her marriage, and how deeply she resented his father, he insists that being a good man involves treating the mother of your kids with kindness and respect.

 

This book is for everyone thinking deeply about masculinity. If you choose fatherhood, your job “is to create surplus value as measured by being a better dad than your dad was to you,” he writes. This is gold, as a guiding principle. Gone are the days when you could blame your parents for your flaws and get away with it. It is time to take ownership of who you want to be.

The reviewer is a journalist, educator, and literary critic. X: @chintanwriting