Are you the eldest daughter? A psychologist explains why it feels heavy

As 'eldest daughter syndrome' trends online, psychologists unpack the real dynamics behind it, from early caregiving and perfectionism to burnout, guilt and people-pleasing

If you have spent any time on social media lately, you have probably noticed eldest daughters comparing their childhoods like veterans swapping war stories. The jokes are funny, but the themes are consistent: being the “mini-mum” of the house, the unofficial emotional shock absorber, the default caretaker.

 

So is “eldest daughter syndrome” simply an internet trend with a fancy label, or is there something deeper underneath?

 

Guwahati-based counselling psychologist Anwesha Bhattacharya explains that the term itself did not come from diagnostic manuals but emerged from real-life experiences and years of research on firstborn daughters.

 

Scientists have studied birth order for decades, but social media gave eldest daughters a shared vocabulary for something they had long felt but never named.

 

 

Bhattacharya, who runs the telehealth therapy platform Psyche Bubbles, points out that nothing about caring for siblings is automatically unhealthy. The trouble starts when helpfulness becomes expectation, then duty, then identity. When comfort, play, or ambition are pushed aside because “you’re the oldest, you manage”, the role starts drifting into what psychologists call parentification, where a child takes on adult responsibilities.

Are eldest daughters really more anxious, perfectionistic, or people-pleasing?

According to Bhattacharya, research suggests, quite often, yes. Studies link eldest daughters with elevated anxiety, chronic stress, and an outsized fear of letting people down.

 

She points to research where eldest daughters spoke of feeling pressured to be the achiever, the fixer, the emotional anchor. Some described negotiating between warring parents, managing household tensions, or juggling schoolwork with childcare. Several said, with quiet grief, that they “lost their childhood”. Burnout becomes almost predictable, she warns.

How do Indian and other collectivist cultures shape this experience?

In collectivist societies, the family is not just a support system, it is an institution. Gossip, reputation, and “what will people say” act as invisible supervisors.

 

This pressure magnifies the role of eldest daughters. Many feel obliged to uphold family values, suppress exhaustion, and maintain an image of harmony. In households with traditional gender norms, girls often shoulder caregiving duties naturally assigned to mothers.

 

“Of course, collectivism can also buffer stress when families genuinely share responsibilities. The burden is lighter when everyone pulls their weight. The problem begins when culture demands that the eldest daughter should simply ‘know better’ and ‘give more’,” says Bhattacharya.

What happens when children manage emotions and caregiving too early?

The consequences can be long-lasting, as children thrust into caregiving roles may grow into adults who:

• Struggle to prioritise themselves
• Feel guilty for resting
• Over-function in relationships
• Equate love with service
• Feel disconnected from their own needs

Bhattacharya notes that caregiving is exhausting even for adults, and for children, whose brains are still wiring emotional regulation and identity, chronic responsibility can be derailing. Some adults later describe feeling unheard, undervalued, or unsure of who they are outside their duties.

What helps adults who grew up like this?

Bhattacharya recommends psychotherapy approaches such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which can help dismantle beliefs like “my needs always come last”. Narrative therapy allows people to examine the story they have been carrying.

 

Family counselling can be powerful too, but only when everyone is willing to examine patterns honestly.

 

As for boundaries, she emphasises that they are not about disrespect. They are about fairness. She often teaches the “broken record” technique: calmly repeating a boundary without over-explaining, apologising, or arguing. It feels awkward at first, especially for someone conditioned to please, but it can be transformative.

 

Bhattacharya stresses that the conversation around eldest daughter syndrome is not about blaming families. It is about finally acknowledging a burden millions of women share. 

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This content is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice.