Kishore Singh: Tallying 2014 - The year that was

There comes the time of year when you start doing the annual laundry list of what you did - or didn't - achieve over its course. My daughter, who guards her sleep time zealously, spent 4,895 hours in bed, a few hundred of which were devoted to rousing her to come for breakfast. The cook prepared 1,100 family meals, half of which the children reported inedible.

I paid my son's credit card bills every month, none of which he paid back. My daughter borrowed my debit card for online payments on 68 occasions. Together, between them, they purchased 76 jackets, coats and cardigans. My wife bought my son a dozen white shirts for office, and I was asked by him to order two dozen coloured ones from my stylist, which is his way of keeping his wardrobe debt-free. My wife keeps her buys a secret, so I don't know about the volumes she added to her wardrobe, but I did not once see her repeat her clothes even though we went out on average five times a week, or 262 times - not counting her kitty lunches and girl gossip teas.
 

I spent 1,068 hours commuting from home to work and back, or to meet friends, or to socialise, leaving behind a nasty carbon footprint. I ate 212 lunches at restaurants, which might make the cook, if he only knew, wonder what transpires with the fresh tiffin he packs every morning. The bar at home reported a consumption of 326 litres of liquor, not counting the beer (of which 654 empties were sold) but neither my son, nor my daughter, are owning up to the damage, blaming it on me and my friends.

I read 129 books but can't remember the titles of most, and left 23 films unwatched (or only partly watched) on flights, as I dozed off after the opening credits. My maximum duty-free spend was on chocolates, most of them gifted to those who still consider travel glamorous, not a tedium. I called my mother every evening, speaking on average for a half hour, thereby adding 183 hours of family gossip to my mobile bill.

It was another year when our apartment didn't get built, the kids didn't get married, and the dog refused to be house-trained. My wife promised not to speak to her best friend Sarla 41 times, following up each threat with a fresh bottle of wine over which they smoked the peace pipe - yet again. I ate my first snails and, I suspect, my first snake, though my children aren't saying.

I consumed 672 cups of cappuccino while measuring out my life in coffee spoons. My wife posted 1,589 photographs on Facebook and counted 17,334 likes over the year. My son exchanged his office laptop with an iPad before purloining my laptop. The maid lost 18 forks, five knives, and smashed 23 mugs, two teapots, and my mother-in-law's favourite vase.

The dog upset his stomach chewing up 17 toy bones that he thought were real. He also rendered 28 pairs of shoes obsolete through the simple expedient of gnawing holes into them. The part-time maid took 45 casual leaves. My father, who hates talking on the phone, spoke to me on three occasions to wish me on my birthday, getting it wrong by a longer margin each time. We used 25 bottles of shampoo, 11 of conditioner, and nine of ketchup. I fired the driver thrice but he still reports for duty every morning.