Alphabet Soup

Two Indian bookshops, several cafes, three fashion designers and a famous little T-shirt shop all swear by it. A trade fair held last year pulled in both crowds and major money. Four mainstream Indian bands are heavily into the music. Its used as a pick-up line at beach parties, and its spreading like a virus on Indian campuses thanks to students who wing in on vacation breaks from their US Universities wearing T-shirts that read: Exit Stone Age, enter New Age. So far, the New Age label looks as durable as those famous tags of a previous generation the Baby Boomers, the Flower Children, even, if you go back a little further, the Flappers.

 

But there is a serious spoke in the karmic wheel of this juggernaut. This is not generally admitted, but New Age is the equivalent of Bill Clintons pronouncements on US foreign policy nobody has a clue to what either of them are trying to say. So here it is, the lowdown on whats actually happening after the Save-The-World speeches are done.

A is for Armageddon

If youre aiming to save the world, its always sensible to start with a worst case scenario. The good news is that if youre a true New Ager, youre going to believe that the end of the world only means the dawn of the real New Age. The bad news is that if its really Armageddon, youre unlikely to be around long enough to find out.

But A also stands for other things, like the lost continent of Atlantis, which might just rise up in time for all New Agers to hitch a ride. I wonder whos in charge of getting the watches synchronised? It stands for Ayurveda, sort of. In her most recent book, The Temple of My Familiar, Alice Walker borrows it for her hero, whos named after a soap called Aryuveda (sic).

And dont forget Aromatherapy, which ensures that the New Age will definitely smell nice, population problems, global warming and rising crime rates notwithstanding. Last of all, theres Akashic Records, which is a sort of gigantic karmic Big Brother, not a little outdated vinyl disc. Put together, that leads to permanently Altered States, which is supposed to be a good thing.

B is for Body-Mind connections

The unenlightened no doubt assumed that the two were already connected, primarily through the spinal cord. That, say pitying New Agers, is just the hardware. Software comes in the following modes Yoga and Raja Yoga, Acupuncture, Bio-Magnetism, Kirillian Photography and various forms of Spiritual Healing. Weighing in slightly lower down the scale are Naturopathy including Fruit and Vegetable Washes (think of these as oral enemas for the soul), Reiki, Shiatsu, Healing Crystals, Tantra and Holistic Interactions.

C is for Courses

Taken in increasing frequency and on a wide enough range of subjects, courses lead directly to a higher Consciousness. For example, after you have taken courses on Zen Cooking, Shiatsu in the Workplace, Dowsing for Dummies, Enhanced Sex and The Bindu in Astrology and the Tarot, your consciousness will definitely have been raised to the point where you dont need a guru to tell you that youre broke.

D is for Drugs

There are no Drugs in the New Age. Merely Consciousness Raising Substances.

E is for the Ether

The last time ether made waves was when it was discovered that it was a wonderful anaesthetic. Now, the ether is shorthand for the space in which you can find the esoteric, celestial you. New Agers, who are usually also Ecofriendly, are now angsting about the possibility of spiritual holes in the ether layer.

F is for Freedom

The best way to attain freedom, according to people in the know such as the Church of Scientology and certain other gurus, is to get rid of all encumbrances. This entails signing over all your assets, Body-Mind connections and the rest of your lives to them, after which you can sit back and relax. Theyll take care of you. Permanently.

G is for Goddess

Available these days in Ancient, Modern and Create Your Own versions. The macro version is known as Gaia, which is the philosophy that sees the earth as a single, living organism. That makes most of humanity parasites, right?

H is for Holistic

For a very good reason: simply prefix holistic to any term, and voila, its transmuted into New Age philosophy. Holistic parenting, holistic partying, holistic parrot-keeping... See? Its easy.

I is for Interpreters

Also known as gurus, these enlightened souls are people who have taken upon themselves the task of explaining New Age philosophy to the less aware. For a small fee, they will teach you the Way to a Better Life, which leads to colonic irrigation in its rougher spots. For a larger fee, they will lead by example, living a Better Life themselves on your behalf. Also on your bank balance, but then thats something theyre willing to put up with.

J is for Jehovahs Revamped Witnesses

It goes like this: the world is still ending, but God would like you to have a healthier body when you get up there. (Hes sick of potbellied popes.) So you get to party on nuts and herbs while you can still enjoy yourself down here. Sounds like fun, doesnt it?

K is for Kirillian Fields

Kirillian photography lets you take a long, hard look at your aura, which looks like its been finger-painted by a messy child with psychedelic colours. Interpreters (see above) will explain the state of your soul to you. There is a problem, though. Not even the experts can get an aura to say cheese and stand still for the shot. And its bad Karma of the worst sort if your Kundalini doesnt show on the photograph.

L is for Life Cycles

Even in the New Age, they work this way: first you celebrate Life. Then the credit card bills come in.

L is also for Ley Lines, which are spiritual highways that crisscross the earth at specific points. At points where ley lines intersect, paranormal activity is very high. Since theyre invisible, so are psychic traffic accidents.

M is for Music

Again, this comes in many varieties. Theres Music to Meditate To, which consists of dolphin clicks and whalesong interspersed with samisen solos; Music of the Spheres, which is the same as the first with more silences and no samisen; and the best category of them all, Successful New Age Music. Artists like Enya and Clannad line up here, while it is widely rumoured that the artist formerly known as symbol oops, that should be the artist formerly known as Prince is angling for a slice of the (carrot) cake. Whatever the category, it all comes accompanied by incense, occasionally with a Maharishi on the side.

M is also for Mantra, which when chanted correctly is the express elevator to Higher Consciousness. This confuses a lot of Indians, who thought Mantra was a gentlemans magazine.

N is for Natural

Not au naturelle; thats called Nudism and was popular when New Age was just a twinkle in Tim Learys LSD-sharpened eyeballs. Natural as in health food, which is organically grown with the help of synthetic manure substitute, covered in PVC-coated cling film and trucked to the supermarket in vehicles with malfunctioning exhausts. Also natural as in non-synthetic clothes and footwear that isnt made of animal skin, which takes you back to au naturelle, actually.

O is for Out of Body experience

Astral travel is truly a mind-expanding concept. The problem with this is that while your astral body has taken the flight to Stone Age New York, theyve gone and sent your luggage on to the Bermuda Triangle. When you get back from this sort of trip, youre more than inclined to say Om Sweet Om.

P is for Psychic Healing

All you can say is that the laying on of hands for this one gets very tough.

Q is for Quantum Theory

Not the boring mathematical one. This is the one that says that if enough minds concentrate on a goal for a length of time, it will become easier to achieve. Organisations like Heavens Gate will be happy to tell you more about this.

R is for Reincarnation

Indians dont get very excited about this because its been happening here for such a long time. Due to a minor technological malfunction, though, reincarnation was at least nine times as likely to happen to an Indian soul as to a soul of any other nationality. That is why we do not refer to it as reincarnation. Instead, we call it the population problem.

S is for Soybeans

What can we say? It used to be for Sushi and Steak, but the vegetarians got into the act.

T is for Therapy

In the bad old Freudian days, therapy was conducted by a gloomy guy who made you lie down on a couch and charged you the earth for it. But the New Age brings revolution in its wake. So now you can leap around with a pack of complete strangers releasing the Primal Crane Bird of your soul in short, awkward hops, be guided by a purple-haired transvestite and guess what? You still get to pay a packet for it. Some forms of therapy come packaged as Tantra, which teaches you how to twist your body into pretzel shapes. Just like in Yoga, but for a higher purpose, so to speak. At any rate, for a more interactive purpose.

U is for Universe

Everything is connected in the New Age (see GAIA), which means that youve got to love everybody, even the tax man. You dont? Never mind. Some day, little flying saucers (you tend to lose the cups pretty fast in interstellar space) called UFOs will land on Earth and disgorge a stream of aliens who will solve all our problems. Some say they will solve our problems simply by solving their perennial food problems first: sounds like the ultimate Final Solution.

As I write this, an alien has just walked into the office. Hes a short little biped with features like a gargoyles offspring, a permanently sour look in his four eyes and he speaks a strange language that no-one can understand.

Oh sorry. He says hes the taxman.

V is for Vegan

There are several kinds of vegetarians on this planet. One kind doesnt eat meat, but will eat jelly even though its made of boiled calves feet. Another kind doesnt eat meat and eggs, but pigs out (no pun intended) on milk. A third variety wont eat milk or milk products either, and spends a lot of time being very nervous in restaurants. There was, briefly, a fourth variety that didnt eat anything at all. (Very briefly.) To sum it up, vegetarians dont believe in shedding blood just to gratify their baser needs. Now if I can just get Mr Lacto-Vegetarian to stop beating up Ms Ovo-Vegetarian, and the pure Vegans to stop firebombing us...

W is for Wicca

This form of white magic formerly known as witchcraft has enjoyed a huge resurgence in modern times. This is partly due to the fact that a lot of people who enjoy working with their hands confused Wicca-work with Wicker work. Modern witches do not wear pointy black hats, ride on broomsticks or use eye of newt in their recipes (see VEGAN).

Instead, they send copies of Women Who Run With The Wolves to each other, chair Battered Women Circles, and occasionally dabble in a spot of harmless crystal healing (very different from crystal gazing). Most of them are fluent in English, American, and the Tarot.

They never change people, even ones whom they dislike into frogs. Well, hardly everr....

Ribbit.

X is for X-Rated

New Agers will embrace anything. Including yucky people with acne and protruding ear hairs. Sex is definitely an important part of the New Age. Many New Agers think that ultimately, we will rise above sex entirely, but until then wed better keep practising. Thats why you have Tantra, Paganism, and other Natural Movements. Most New Agers reason that the more natural movements you have, the better.

Y is for Yoga

Yoga used to be just a series of mind (and body)-bending exercises. The most complicated asana was subtitled How to Lie on the Floor in an Uncomfortable Position and Swivel Your Neck 180 Degrees so that You Can Read the Next Line of Instructions.

Now Yoga is a multi-million dollar industry that is generating employment for lots of Yogis, alternative dance studios, spiritual authors and makers of Centred Chakra Yoga Mats and Made in Taiwan Air on a Y String Loincloths. See the transforming power of New Age?

Z is for Zen

If youre thinking about the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, youre way out of date. These days, its Zen and the Art of Marketing the New Age. Its disciples attempt to listen constantly to the sound of one hand signing cheques. While youre pondering over this, wouldnt you like your own personal pendulum? It comes free with this set of portable dowsers, car ley line finder, and Pangaia jewellery...