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The write way to right English

Kishore Singh  |  New Delhi 

For the attenshun of Editor Sir only
Ref: Did Ram speak English?
Hon'ble Editor saab,
Recently only I am reading a book by one Binoo John person, and with sum such name he must be thinking, Hello, I am like Amrikan, what all this Indian type people are knowing of English, so I will write a book to ejucate them. And then he is writing book, it is very good value, Rs 95 only, but it is full of things that are shocking me.
Now I am growing up in too many small places as Father is on transfer, and so I am not khit-pit in English in weigh these hi-fi people in Bombay and Delhi our, but I am knowing that this Mr John, he is kraking these jokes about small town people who are not so well knowing the language. At first, I am enjoying and laufing and saying, Oh, this Mr John, he is telling good-good jokes. But then he is saying that this is not write way to right English, and that this is Indian-English, which is not true English, and I am thinking perhaps he is CIA foreign hand, he is wishing to disallocate this great country.
But at least he is giving the currect knoleje of our Bapuji and Nehruji, who is greatest statesman of all the world so even English Viceroy's mem is loving him too much. He is telling us that all Indians are wanting to read about Gandhiji and Chachaji, so the awthurs are righting many about there lives in English so for foreign people also to read, as also Indians people, and so currect in English are being circulated among all, and therefore many Indians are reading currect English and becoming even better than Englishman and Englishmem.
It is then I am learning that the peoples of the south are anti-national. When Bapuji is thinking we must be speaking to the people in Hindi, those dosa peoples are saying, Oh no, we are not speaking in Hindi. Why not, I ask you, did Ram speak in English, did Krishna speak in English, did any gods in India speak in English? Still, because of these southies we are having to get the English from the English people, and we are learning better than them, but at least now they are bringing all telephone operator jobs to India because we can do better khit-pit, so perhaps we should be thanking all madrasis now "" even though I am not liking the sambhar food. But McDonald's, I am loving it!
But this Mr John is not too smart. He is saying entry from backside, which I am learning from my two-month Rapidex course is wrong, because entry is from behind, or even from rear. He is telling tail also of Mr Okhil Chandra Sen who is going to privy at station, and train is blowing veesul, and he is running and falling and exposing all shocking to man and woman passunjurs. This is old story, but I am knowing one wear one student is righting essay on the cow, which is having two legs in front and two afterwards, and people in my office our laufing, though I am righting to you my big secret: I am not understanding this joke.
Of course, it is adding to my knowlej that first Indians who are writing in English are doctors and hakims, and they are doing this to attract the big-big people, so it is showing that Indians are having too much respect for science and English also. But now he is saying everywhere the government and the bureaucrats our righting many instrukshuns in English, and it is not write English "" but how government can be wrong, you tell me.
I am reading also the Bard, even though this man "" god bless his sole "" is also not knowing write English, he is also too much confused, so he is saying 2 B or not 2 B, when everyone knows that this is English book and not algebra book, but then someone is saying he is righting when England is not having English, so I am understanding. But now Mr John is saying not the Bard but we shud read Salman Rushdie and Arundhati Roy and we will learn all the write English the way wrong is write in Indian-English, and we shud use some dikshnury called Hobson-Jobson or perhaps it is Hanklyn-Janklyn. But is he is so confuse, you tell him, Editor saab, I am happy to teech him English but he must make currections in his next adition and I will right the fourword.
Binoo John
Rs 95; 214 pages

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First Published: Wed, September 26 2007. 00:00 IST