As I grew up, I remember always thinking that we lived in a very formal world. My father always referred to his father as Pitaji. His mother - who was no longer around when I was born - was always spoken of as Mataji. A large painting of her - always hung in my grandfather's room - gave her a hallowed status.
His elder brothers - both of them were bhai-saheb with the first name attached to the bhai-saheb to distinguish the two. He had two bhabhijis. These bhabijis were referred to by the house help as "badi bahurani and chhoti bahurani". Whenever I think of or meet some of these individuals today, their appellations loom large in my mind, although I have my own ways of referring to them according to the house rules.
We even had a Maharaj who was the cook of the family for several years. He condescended to come, attend and cook at family weddings for years after he left service as train tickets were sent by mail by the elders for him. As children we had orders to tip-toe around the kitchen so as not to annoy him. I remember fearing him as much as my grandfather as he seemed as crucial to the household as the latter. House help in general was treated with utmost regard. They could complain to our elders about us and usually their word held against ours.
It may sound old fashioned and stupid, but I find it sad - although we are all collectively to blame - that these formal ways of address are simply dying out. I don't refer to my own brothers' wives as "bhabiji" at all. I call them by name. Mom and Pop have replaced Mataji and Pitaji. Older siblings are just called by their first names.
Why do I feel this loss? I think the formal address brought with it a certain etiquette expected in the relationship. Respect was built into the address. It all had a very formal but dignified ring to it. Children today, unfortunately, don't even know these ways of addressing their elders and to my mind it robs some of the respect that naturally crept into the equation. Why not offer a degree of respect to the person who brought you into this world? I know it sounds odd and most of us would shudder at the thought of being referred to as Mataji or Pitaji but to my mind it had its own advantages. Conversely, of course, if the respect is simply missing, the title becomes irrelevant.
The mode of reference also brought with it a certain expectation of duty and adherence. If bade bhai-saheb said something, I found it was usually taken quite seriously. Even in anger, I never heard anyone abuse or call an elder even something as innocuous as "silly". It just didn't happen.
But this again no longer holds true. There seems to me to be a steady breakdown of respect among siblings. This seems to hold truer and truer as generations go by and I am at times appalled at what I hear the children of today refer to their siblings as. In anger, I hear children abuse, not only their siblings but also their house help.
And this brings me to the aspect that troubles me the most as far as rearing children goes today. I simply do not see the same respect that used to be accorded to those who live with you (often away from their own family), make your life easier on a daily basis and are irreplaceable as far as your existence goes. Be it house help - full-time or part-time - in the form of maids, cleaners, cooks or drivers who take your children around on a daily basis, how and why do some - in fact many - people treat them with as little dignity and respect as they do. Yes, they are a paid service but they deserve the respect even more as they sacrifice to make your life easier. Even in the heart of posh and snobbish South Delhi, I have heard children shout at house help and on certain occasions, even abuse them in anger. They couldn't have learnt it by themselves, so I presume the parents have set some kind of an example. It always shocks me into silence.
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