Sleepless In Seattle? Call Laura

I was completely sickened and spoke to him personally about those remarks. He seemed oblivious to the moral issue. I explained that it was immoral to stand by and watch wrong being done and that this amounted to no less than passive support, but support nonetheless. He blinked, and said that he just didnt see it that way. I tried to bring the matter closer to home by reminding him he was looking into the face of a Jew and that my producer standing four feet from him was black and that we wouldnt be allowed in. Well, he said, wed make an exception for you! I told him that it would be immoral for me to enjoy exceptionhood under those circumstances.

 

This is just a difference of opinion, he said as he nervously left my office. I still consider you a friend.

This is about a difference in character, I responded. I regret I cant reciprocate your sentiments. When character, not opinion, is the issue, the moral obligation to stand behind right becomes not only the measure of you as a person, but portends the way of the world..

But... no fair! Im being shunned

Adam, thirty, called me all upset. Hes out of the air force, voluntarily unemployed, and sexually servicing a fifty-year-old married woman who takes financial care of him in return. Adams sister, a psychiatrist in the air force and a religious person, wont talk to him.

Why was he calling? He wanted to change his sisters behavior, to get his sister to talk to him again. When I suggested that he already had the key to that, which was demonstrating pride toward honorable work, he quipped, Im addicted to the money, and he laughed.

Adam figured being a gigolo was easy money and not hurting anybody, so what was his sisters problem? I suggested that his sister saw the hurt that he ignored: the betrayal of the womans husband and siphoning off of his familys financial resources, among them. His sister also valued the sanctity of sex, of marriage vows, and of pride in ones own noble efforts.

Heres an important tie-in to the comments of that talk-show host, who was willing to stand by, which is an act of complicity. The host was an example of passive complicity, while Adam is an example of active complicity. Adams sister did not want to be in passive complicity, and her action caused her loss and pain.

Surely, her sacrifice was worthy, for Adam was moved enough to struggle with me over the issue. There would have been no struggle if she had been inappropriately tolerant. Adams sister did not do evil to him, she shunned him, which is a powerful tool in motivating others behaviors.

However, some people dont act with such courage and conviction unless it comes back to bite them personally.

But... the serpent hasnt bitten me

Michael, thirty-six, is the married, stay-at-home dad of a one-and-a-half-year-old daughter. Im married to a wonderful woman, he said with great pride. This is about my sister. About a month ago I applied for a loan and discovered that my sister had used my Social Security number to get herself some money. Boy was I mad. I took care of it, but Im so upset about it.

I asked him to get to the actual center of his upset: was it that she hadnt trusted him enough to ask for help up front? No. I asked him if her behavior were really a surprise? No. So, Michael, your sister has done these sorts of deeds to others in and out of the family? Yes. Youve known this? Yes. Did you deal with her in any way about these ongoing bad behaviors? No. Why? Okay, okay. I knew she was a bad person. It just pisses me off that she was bad to me! Ive always been the one to not give her grief about it. I guess I thought that would serve as my insulation, protection.

Oh, really? Tolerating wrong or evil gives you protection against it? Since when does a spaghetti strainer make good armor?

Extracted from

How could you do that;

Harper Perennial; 269pages