Why Valentine's Day brings anxiety, not romance, for many couples

Behind the roses and candlelight, Valentine's Day can quietly magnify unspoken expectations, comparison and emotional pressure within relationships

Valentine’s Day has a way of turning love into pressure. It arrives dressed in red roses and grand promises, but what if it does not feel romantic at all? For many couples, the day brings a subtle tension, a sense of being evaluated, measured or disappointed. Instead of warmth, there is restlessness, and instead of connection, there is pressure. Because of this discomfort, people may feel irritable or emotionally on edge.

 

According to Dr Chandni Tugnait, MD (A M), psychotherapist and founder-director of Gateway of Healing, one of the biggest reasons Valentine’s Day creates anxiety is that it squeezes love into a single day.

 

 

Love, which normally lives in everyday acts such as listening, checking in, repairing after arguments and showing up when it matters, is suddenly expected to be proven in one evening.

 

“A single dinner, gift, or plan starts carrying the emotional weight of the entire relationship,” says Dr Tugnait. “When love is reduced to a performance, even emotionally secure couples can begin to doubt where they stand. When gestures become symbols, they start feeling like verdicts.”

What does Valentine’s Day really mean to each partner?

According to Dr Tugnait, many couples never actually talk about what Valentine’s Day means to them.

 

One partner may see it as deeply emotional and significant. The other may view it as superficial, commercial or awkward. Without that conversation, people rely on assumptions. One hopes. The other underestimates.

 

“When expectations are unspoken, disappointment feels personal,” explains Dr Tugnait. “But it is often not about lack of care, it is about misalignment.”

 

So when the day passes without meeting those invisible expectations, the hurt feels sharper than it needs to be.

How Valentine’s Day magnifies existing relationship gaps

Valentine’s Day has a magnifying effect. If a relationship has been feeling rushed, distant or emotionally thin, the day brings that into focus.

 

One partner may secretly hope this will be the moment when effort returns or closeness magically reappears. When that does not happen, the sadness feels heavier because so much emotional weight was placed on a single occasion.

 

“Valentine’s Day doesn’t create problems,” says Dr Tugnait. “It amplifies what was already present but perhaps unspoken.” 

Why social media comparison quietly fuels doubt

Then comes social media. Perfectly lit dinners. Long captions. Grand declarations of love.

 

Scrolling through these images, many couples begin measuring their relationship against a highlight reel. What gets forgotten is that intimacy cannot be photographed.

 

“A relationship can be deeply safe, supportive, and emotionally rich, yet look unremarkable online,” Dr Tugnait points out. “Comparison often plants doubt where none existed before.”

 

What you do not see in those posts is the full reality — the conflict, compromise or emotional labour behind the frame.

Why suppressing feelings on Valentine’s Day can backfire

Valentine’s Day also comes with an unspoken rule: do not spoil the mood.

 

Many people feel they cannot express discomfort or disappointment because they do not want to ruin the day. So they smile through tension, suppress emotions and promise themselves they will talk about it later.

 

But suppressed feelings do not disappear, warns Dr Tugnait.

 

“When emotions are repeatedly swallowed, they turn into resentment,” warns Dr Tugnait. “Love slowly becomes something to manage rather than something to experience.”

How the day can trigger deeper emotional insecurities

For some, Valentine’s Day triggers old wounds.

 

A forgotten plan or low effort can quickly turn into a painful story about not being valued, chosen or important enough. These reactions are rarely just about the date.

 

“When love feels uncertain, older emotional injuries resurface,” says Dr Tugnait. “The day becomes a mirror reflecting deeper insecurities, not the cause of them.”

Why love cannot be reduced to a one-day test

The real issue is not Valentine’s Day. It is the belief that love must be proven in a single moment.

 

Dr Tugnait explains that couples must understand that relationships thrive on consistency, emotional availability and honest communication. One day cannot compensate for months of feeling disconnected or emotionally distant, and it should not be asked to.

 

“When couples talk openly, lower the pressure, and allow the day to be what it is rather than what it should prove, anxiety softens,” Dr Tugnait explains.

 

Valentine’s Day then stops being a test. It becomes just another shared experience.

 

“Love feels safer when it is allowed to be imperfect and real, rather than something that has to pass or fail on one marked parameter or date,” says Dr Tugnait.   

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This content is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice.