Romping through China like exultant travelling salesmen, George Osborne, Britain's chancellor of the exchequer, and Boris Johnson, the mayor of London, recall Britain's mission to China in 1793. Though King George III created the delegation's leader, George Macartney, a viscount and bestowed on him the grand title of "Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary from the King of Great Britain to the Emperor of China", Emperor Ch'ienlung made him fly a flag bearing the description "Tributary Envoy from England."
There's no denying that like the US and India, Britain, too, needs China. Who else would buy vast quantities of American treasury bonds? India imports everything from power-generating equipment to plaster gods from China. The British want Chinese money for dockyards, drinking water projects and rebuilding Crystal Palace. Trespassing in Johnson's parish, Osborne ambitiously hopes London will become "the pre-eminent centre outside China and Hong Kong" for the "internationalisation of the renminbi". There's no balancing of needs with demands that is the hallmark of mature diplomacy.
However great US economic needs might be, Barack Obama won't adjust his "Asia pivot" to Chinese muscle-flexing in South-east Asia. India will not turn Arunachal Pradesh into "South Tibet" to persuade China to invest in Indian manufacturing. Little such balancing is evident in Britain. I don't mean the often phoney wreath over human rights. But here, too, Britain, the nation that prides itself on nursing the Mother of Parliaments, doesn't mind bending backwards to take a swipe at democracy to ingratiate itself with a dictatorship.
Acknowledging that the Chinese "aren't very keen on the idea of elections" Johnson once wrote approvingly in the Spectator magazine, which he used to edit, that the Chinese "want to do it the authoritarian way, the Chinese way, partly because the fear of disorder is so strong, and partly, frankly, because the rest of the world does not yet provide an overwhelming advertisement for democracy". That was the first time I ever came across a British politician implying democracy is dispensable. Such a volte-face makes only in the light of the comment by another former Spectator editor that "it is almost cliched to say that China is the country that will define the 21st century." Shopkeeping needs no frills. China's 10 per cent growth suffices.
Admirers of things English cannot but note with dismay that this feverish desire to please reflects little credit on the country that was once Great Britain. Indeed, the overtures might have been made long ago if the Chinese hadn't decided to punish David Cameron, the prime minister, for daring to meet the Dalai Lama in London in May last year. As a result, the British have been forced to cool their heels for 17 months before receiving any mark of China's favour. Pardoned, Cameron can, at last, plan a pilgrimage of penance to Beijing later this year.
The second aspect of the Osborne-Johnson tour seems even more outrageous. Everyone in Britain is agreed that they are candidates for the top job at home. Everyone also seems to agree that the outcome of their rivalry will be decided in China. I am not sure whether this means that members of the Conservative Party at home will decide who will make a better prime minister on the basis of how they perform in China. If so, it would surely be tantamount to giving China a prescriptive veto over the British prime ministership!
No doubt, the British will justify this on economic grounds. But it's not easy to pin down the supporting statistics. Different spokesmen trot out different figures for the number of jobs Chinese investment in Manchester's airport complex will generate - I have seen the figure soar from 7,000 to 17,000. Osborne announced from China that 160 million Chinese watch Downton Abbey, the highly popular TV soap opera. Now, we're told it can't be more than 120 million. London is busy changing its visa rules and introducing a new 24-hour "super priority" visa service (not for you and I, only for the well-heeled Chinese) so as to grab a larger share of the £65 billion that middle-class Chinese tourists are said to spend. Britain is green with envy. France, Italy and Germany each received nearly 700,000 Chinese tourists last year. Only 127,000 visited Britain.
There's no mention in all this of the tsunami of fake goods pouring out of China, according to a TV programme I watched while the Osborne-Johnson duo was romping there. Chinese honey has been banished from supermarkets because it was found to be adulterated with dangerously powerful antibiotics. Some life-saving drugs can be counterfeit. Some pills contain no active ingredient. Some are of partial strength, some the wrong formulation entirely. Many harmful or toxic medicines cause death, prolonged illness and increased drug resistance. Cheap pork is treated with paraffin wax and industrial salt and sold as beef. From vodka to eggs, cooking oil to powdered milk, the fake products' list seems endless. Yet, there's no official criticism. Massive Chinese violation of copyright and patents seems to be forgotten.
Osborne ignores security concerns about telecommunications giant Huawei's £125-million R&D centre in Britain. Not to be outdone, Johnson burbles, "The French spy on us. The Americans spy on us. Everybody spies on us."
A favourite debating topic in British universities in the 1950s used to be "In the opinion of the House, Britain should be the 50th state of the United States of America." By that token, today's topic should be "In the opinion of the House, Britain should be an autonomous region of the People's Republic of China."
Macartney went back with a flea in the ear. One of this week's two visitors may well be preening himself as Britain's first made-in-China prime minister presumptive.
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