In Durance Pleasant

A night in chokey anywhere costs less than a hotel. Any country where the copshop is cleaner and the food better than the lowest available class of hostelry can be pronounced prosperous. The jail theorem is an useful addendum to the Big Mac Index when computing purchasing power parity. If the jails are better than the hotels, the country is first world.

There are other essential corollaries. The local legal system ought to be structured enough to allow tourists to commit minor misdemeanours, and get the option of being fined or held over at night. But they mustnt deport you, or throw away the key. The locals should be generally law abiding, otherwise the facilities get crowded. The authorities should not be too concerned about rehabilitation, otherwise they will get in your hair.

 

Many first world countries fail on some count. The law abiding Swiss certainly have first class jails squeaky clean, cable TV-ed, single roomers with a choice of three cuisines. But in their humourless fashion, they tend to deport offending tourists rather than jail them. Singapore has this nasty habit of flogging, though theyll certainly jail you for a minor peccadillo such as spitting on the street.

The Scandinavians have super jails, but their constitutions are much too liberal. Also they get very interested in your relationship with your parents and `couching earnest questions. British and US jails tend to be overcrowded. The locals arent law abiding enough. There are far too many resident lager louts, perverts and cheap hoodlums.

The Dutch have reasonable jails but their laws are rather liberal too. Besides, if you are a comely thing of any unspecified age or gender, the `Cruising Dutchpersons will queue up in court to pay your fines and take you home. Post-Aids that is rather nerve-wracking.

French jails wouldnt win Michelin stars they dont waste their famed hospitality on jailbirds. The Etandard Gaol Fran-caise isnt noted for its cleanliness either, the smell of stale garlic is all pervasive. The Belgians are similar in their approach.

Japan is fairly good, but far too socially conscious. Excellent jails, good food, no rush hour traffic. They wont deport you either. But they tend to mark it down on your passport and tell the local embassy. The assumption is that you will go home, compose your death poem and then commit suicide to atone for the unspeakable shame of jaywalking.

Germany is the best of the lot. Lots of local laws with a rigid structure of fines and the option of a night or three in lieu of the fine. Plus excellent jails with a choice of two cuisines. They dont mark up your passport for small sins.

A German tour can be cheerfully undertaken with the help of the local constabulary. Wherever you are, `farht into the local copshop and turn out empty pockets. They will look at your papers. If those are in order, the duty officer will instruct you to hit him. You will then be arraigned and given the run of the lockup. Next morning, the DO will depose in court and you will be fined DM 5 only and released. If he is a kindly man , he will shake hands and wish you Gross Gluck as well as Auf Wiedersiehen.