These past few weeks, I have been wondering whether there is a link between sarkar and a hidden pot of gold. No, it isn't about Sobhan Sarkar whose Unnao dreams turned out to be seer fantasy. Neither is it about the UPA sarkar and the propensity of its members to dig deep in coalmines for black wealth. Actually, my contemplations had more to do with bits and pieces of conversations I overheard between politicians of all shades, the shady ones included.
MP: Did you hear, India is sending a rocket to Mars?
MLA: Yes, imagine spending so many crores on Mars. The Congress party's planets are surely on the descendant, they are not even thinking right. The party must have the malefic Shani Grah in its horoscope… hee, hee. They should have spent the Mars money to buy off astrologists who would then have said the stars foretell a victory for them in 2014.
MP: Hah, hah, yes. That would have seriously affected our efforts to paint them as the waning moon. But seriously, it is a clever plan that the government has. It is building this image of India as an advanced country. And what if they find methane on Mars? If they are able to bring it to earth and use it in place of CNG, imagine how much they would earn! They can buy all the 500 million astrologers of India in 2019. There is gold on Mars, bhaiyya.
* * *
Khadi kurta wearer: Arre bhai, how can we be a hundred-year-old party when we can't even see through these political stratagems?
Angavastram wearer: What are you talking about, Netaji? Did someone tear down our posters?
Khadi kurta wearer: Arre nahi, nothing so simple. Have you been watching TV these days? Our rivals have bought over all the channels and they are saying their opinion polls show our party will not win any majority in any state in any election.
Angavastram wearer: Oh yes, the *#$t@*%$.
Angavastram wearer: Netaji, I have an idea. Why don't we start our own TV channel and our own people-polling organisation. Let's call it Goldup?
Khadi kurta wearer: Sounds too much like Gallup.
Angavastram wearer: But Netaji, just see. We will charge a bomb to manipulate the data, we will charge another bomb to telecast them, and we will forecast huge wins so that we can form the government, and then that's five years to accumulate riches. Yeh opinion polls mein gold hi gold hai, Netaji.
* * *
Youth leader type: I can't wait for Sachin Tendulkar to retire.
Sidekick type: I didn't know you were so angry at Sachin going on and on. Theek hai na bhai, he has just one more Test to play. No need to feel so angry.
Youth leader type: Ullu, bewakoof. What's wrong with you? You think I am angry?
Sidekick (suitably abashed): But bhai, what are you saying then?
Youth leader type: See, Sachin retires from cricket… all cricket, Tests, one-dayers, T20s, Ranji, galli, mohalla, everything. But he is a politician, no? He is Rajya Sabha member, no? He will have time to campaign for us. We will ask him to come to our rallies. Who will say no when Sachin does namaste and asks for votes? Really, Sachin is political gold, yaar.
* * *
Trident walla: Call a meeting quick. Let's sit together and come up with names of people whose statues we must build.
Red tilak walla: But let us finish this Statue of Unity first. Why the hurry?
Trident walla: Arre, don't you see? All statues have a pot of gold at their feet. Hundred statues mean a hundred pots of political gold. Hurry, now get them here.
Free Run is a fortnightly look at alternate realities
joel.rai@bsmail.in
joel.rai@bsmail.in