From TD-Shining Body Institute to Baba Ramdev: We groom anchors, newsreaders and actors for television programmes and offer you our services — full-body waxing for instant results, laser hair removal (but this takes time, and in particularly hirsute cases, costs more), anti-perspiration-wear, makeup to avoid shiny nose and forehead (essential in the absence of an air-conditioned studio from which to make your serials…er, broadcasts). Urgent appointment guaranteed.
Facebook graffiti on a teen’s wall: Dig that ponytail, dude — but, ew!, that underarm fungus, man, gotta ditch that now.
From LM-Eagle-eye GPS Systems to the Delhi Police Commissioner: Satisfaction assured with our microscopic GPS equipment that has been used to observe the migratory pattern of birds and animals. We can also embed it in the bodies of gurus likely to flee in the event of a lathi-charge. Will save embarrassment on account of said fleeing guru wearing a disguise.
SMS from Sarla to my wife: Who’s on fast today — Anna H or Baba R? Confused whether to wear white or saffron. And where is the protest anyway — Jantar Mantar or Ramlila Grounds, or are you going to Hardwar?
From TD-Unisex Fashions to Baba Ramdev: Dear Sir, The managing board of our company, in an extraordinary meeting, has agreed to call on you to accept the brand ambassadorship of our apparel brand. We have been in the business of promoting unisex clothes for the last three years but have not had much success owing to a lack of role models. The managing director has been attempting to seek an appointment with Lady Gaga to represent our clothes, but we see the error of our ways in aspiring to a foreign cross-dresser. Ours is a swadeshi brand and only you will do justice to it, particularly, our resort and travel lines.
Email from Farah Khan to Sushma Swaraj: Madam, we are very proud of your debut on national television with a patriotic song. As you know, I am the choreographer of the hit song Shiela ki Jawani that, contrary to what many jealous politicians think, isn’t about a certain Mrs Dikshit. Anyway, there is currently one slot free on the show India’s Got Talent, but before I propose your name, I would like to recommend a quick-tick at the Shiamak Davar Academy of Dance. On second thought, maybe that isn’t required — you’ve been dancing the Opposition number a long time…
LM-Fitz Modelling Agency to Patanjali Yogpeeth: We are sending urgently seven models to participate in your hunger strike. These models have a shoot on Monday and need to lose weight fast. We would be grateful if, in future, you would consider a tie-up with our agency and have your consultants draw up a diet plan for our models.
From Dr Kusum Kochhar to Baba Ramdev: Please feel free to take an appointment at my cosmetology centre to seek correction for your drooping eye. We also remove dark circles from under the eyes caused by stress. Commendation certificates of Bollywood actresses who’ve gone under our knife provided strictly on request and after you sign a confidentiality bond.
Twitter update: Just landed in India guys, much hullaballoo about some new fad called a hunger diet, co-passenger said is also a guarantee against Delhi Belly, can’t wait to try it and report on results.
TD-Spare Hair Salon to your columnist: It’s never too late! Visit our premises for latest American-style hair weaving, extensions, follicle fertilisation. Also male corsets, facial, manicure and pedicure…